“its never enough”

Posted in thoughts, [[im oh so o8]] by Tanae' A. on March 25, 2008
im too the point now where ii feel like no matter what ii do, its never good enough. the things that ii do for people is not enough to get them to appreciate. the things that ii say are not enough to get people to listen. the life that ii live is not good enough for the person that is so much “better” than me. well guess what… ii dont care anymore. yesterday lil drummer boy said something to me that ii been thinking about for a while… “ii just said something bout it but your own guilty conscience made you change it” was he right?? yeah, in more ways than one. well, what was so right about it?? he reminded me that ii cant change people no matter how hard ii try. ii can say something about it as much as ii want to. ii can talk and talk until im blue in the face but if your own conscienceness doesnt kick in, you are not going to change. ii just thought about that today because someone that ii have tried to help for so long is not changing. she is stuck in the same shit, going in the same circle and ii am wondering why they wont change. plain and simple:: because they dont want to. so, im not stressing any more. not about her or anybody else in my life that refuses to change. people wanna be stuck in the same crap that they in so im to the point now where it doesnt even matter anymore. do you and ignore everything that ii say cause im thru talking. im tired of doing for people and im tired of giving my all for people that throw it all away. this is where we draw the line…since nothing that ii ever do or say is ever good enough ii guess no one will care when ii stop doing and ii stop talking and ii stop caring….

well aint that a word…and that too…and.. thats pretty good too.

all day saturday ii was out with my mom and sisters. woke up at 7:30 to be at mva by 9. left there around 10:30 and went to the mall. seems like we were there for forever but we finally dropped Indi and the baby off at home and went to the grocery market to shop for easter dinner. after we put all the food in the house we went to the movies and didnt get back until about 10 that night. by the time we got back ii was beat. i had to get my stuff together for dance, help my sis do some stuff and then hopped face first in the bed by 11. the plan was to wake up at quater to 5 to wake up for sunrise service but a phone call around 12:30 threw a hex in that plan. line of the night…”SHE LIED!!” ok, ii think ii got that message loud and clear.
ii truely missed the sunrise service…maybe because ii didnt get back to sleep til after two…thanks so much alicia for waking me up in a panic… ii appreciate you. ii got there just in time for sunday school and we were on call to dance… message:: “you dont have to know what song is being played…just dance.” uumm, it took me a minute to get that word because it caused our dance to bomb completely, ii did get a good laugh in tho. but ii got it yesterday, just dance.
second service was cool. we knew the song we were dancing to and altho ii cant stand the song, the dance went smoothly besides the fact that they said Jesus five hundred and twenty seven times…what is up with that?? lol. but the word of that service… “ressurected” bishop was on point and ii promise that was the word ii needed to hear so ii went home pretty content.
we went home, ate dinner with the fam, laughed and enjoyed ourselves altogether. after everyone left my cousins whome ii havent seen in centuries came over. ii made them some plates and they sat and talked to us for a while. word…”ten hundred..” lol…it has no real meaning but now ii know not to say it lol. thanks Theodore, you’re brilliant!!
ii woke up yesterday morning to my nephew making noise in my living room. mommy cooked breakfast and ii was forever grateful lmao. we went to the mall so mommy could do some walking and let the baby run around like he owned the place and around 10:30 we were back in the house and ready for a nap. we all just sat around watching tv and ii just happened to check my myspace page…wowzers… two ppl sent me messages regarding language and ii think that ii got the word “dont allow what you say to contradict who you are..” ii guess sometimes we forget…
the next word came from my own lips… ii dont think ii thought about it before ii said it but after it came out ii gave it a lot of thought… this is what ii said to a really good friend “its not about that, its about being real, being true. not just to everyone else but to yourself. so yeah, ii am a liar cause ii was never true to me.” dont think ii have to really explain that.
ii got to my besties house and saw squirt and scooda and the awesome phrase of the hour was…”no more tisses!! please. ii love you but no more tisses!” lolzz… ii think ii got a lil too happy when ii saw them cause that really was a lot of kisses for both of them haha.
last and final word that ii received came around 8pm after a really funny dance practice… “sometimes you gotta deal with in the moment, talk it out, say how you feel and dont go to bed mad” and that, for some reason, was exactly what ii needed to hear.