remind me to quit…asap

Posted in church, complaining, dancing, hurt by Tanae' A. on February 5, 2008
I am absolutely convinced that my dance instructor is CRAZY out of her head lol. Seriously tho. Yesterday I was limping around all day long due to pains in my knees, hips, back, side… just pain everywhere. I was in no condition to even attempt to go to dance rehearsal but I went anyway. I thought we were going to go over what we learned last week because that was fairly easy and didnt take too much out of me. Once I got there I was so super happy to learn that I got what I had hoped for. And then my night went down down down hill. We are saving this dance for 1st sunday in march, someone forgot it was black history month. Well, I didnt forget but I was surely hoping that she would forget because God Himself knows that i HATE black history dances, especially ones that this lady makes up. We literally learned the first fourty eight seconds of this dance and now I am worse off than I was when I got there. She has recreated the lunge and I swear if I stretch my back leg any further or get any lower I am going to blow. I really dont think people know how much it takes to not only learn a dance but to also do this same dance five hundred times in two hours. It looks so pretty and nice and fun… oh no, we smile but we are in some serious pain up there. With every lunge and every spin and every dag on sashay our bodies are slowly falling apart and I just want people to think about that when they see us up there on sundays.
Sunday, I promise I was ready to truely give up and here’s why. We get dressed, sit in the back as usual and then are told that we are all starting in a squat. Okay, you try to squat and then hop up into a spin and see how you like it. Then, after doing our parts we had to squat again. And then, after this lady saying ‘im encourged’ eight hundred and sixty two times, I ran out of encouragement and needed some oxygen. Then, in addition to that we find out after service that we are going to be dancing to the choir. Okay, I love my Peggy to death but that woman knows how to stretch a song for dear life. By the time I got thru the third manifest I was ready to go. But of course, this lovely dance instructor of mines makes it known that the manifests have to be powerful “I want leaps and spins, get up off the floor. I want BIG manifests..” her words exactly. So unfortunately I end up standing right next to her and she is giving me this look like, you better leap and im running around about to collapse at the altar and pray for some new knees.
I just want the entire world to know that as soon as someone reminds me, I am quitting this mess and picking up a new profession lol. I truely pray that all my pain is ministering to someone cause if it aint, Im limping around for nothing. And as soon as my joints heal, It’ll be back to dance practice for the african dance. Just pray for me… please.

tired of giving

Posted in giving back, help me!!, life, people I love, tired by Tanae' A. on February 5, 2008
Every week, I reach out to at least ten people in some kinda way. Every week I talk to people about their issues and problems. Every week I call someone just to see how they are doing. Every week I shoot someone an email or text message just to let them know that I was thinking about them. Every week.
Every day I reach out to family and friends to make sure they are doing okay. Every day I text, call or hit them up on the space to see how they are. Every day, one of those persons that I reach out to need an encouraging word and everyday I give it. Every day.
Every so often, I go thru stuff. Every once in a while I have a bad day and need someone to talk to. Sometimes, I need to know that someone some where is thinking about me, praying for me, and are there if I need them. Every once in a while my faith is tested. Every month, every week, every single day.
Do you wanna know who calls me… no one. Do you wanna know who texts me… no one. Do you wanna know who emails me…no one. Do you wanna know who stops for more than two seconds to ask how im doing and really expect to hear something other than the simple “im okay”…no one. Do you wanna know who hits up myspace or facebook…no one.
Today I did a test. I did not pick up my phone not one time to call, text or send anyone an email. I let it sit here on my desk. You know how many txt messages are in my inbox?? Zero. You know how many incoming calls I got today?? Zero. You know how many emails I got?? Zero. You know how many people reached out?? Zero. One person txted me to ask me if I did what she asked me to do and I deleted her txt before I even thought about responding. And for the rest of the week, for the rest of the month, for the rest of the year… I will not pick my phone to dial anyone’s number. I aint texting no one that aint texting me and I def aint offering no words of encouragement. Truth be told, I’m tired… I feel like I give and give and give, not just my time but my money and my energy and my resources so that everyone that I care about can be okay. But who stops for two seconds to make sure that Tanae’ is good?? No hard feelings, I’m not mad. Just a lil fed up with the same stuff. When I get to a point where I feel like someone actually cares enough to give back to me then I’ll revert back to old ways. A simple thankyou that is truely sincere would do the trick but I dont get that either. So all the people that got used to Tanae’ being there when there was trouble… sorry for ya. For all you that grew accustomed to my phone calls every other week just to let you know I was thinking about you… sorry. For all you that looked forward to my text messages and emails… sorry. You can only drink from a well for too long before it becomes empty… im runnin on E so I’ll see yall on the flip side. Does this mean that I dont care?? Not by a long shot, it just means that I have to stop giving of myself in order to help others when I need that strength to pull my own self thru.
Peace:: Tanae’ A.
And for those of you wondering, I’m not looking for handouts. I dont want anyone to read this and then just pop up sending me txts and phone calls and junk. Thats not the purpose. My point is to stop giving of myself to a point where I run out of fuel. I have done perfectly fine getting thru life on my own for twenty years and ill do just fine the rest of the way so dont get that part twisted. I have never expected anyone to be there for more than a short period of time and so I wont start now. I just have to create a balance but right now im stepping back completely. Just dont think I need you or anyone else to cater to me like some child because that is not the case at all…
Tanae’ A.