[{GRaViTY}]

we’re back in full effect

Posted in birthdays, broke as a joke, decisions, family, friends, him, people I love, thoughts by Tanae' A. on August 20, 2007

my brother will be home in less than two weeks and i am so super excited. now all i need is for my honey to come home in a few months and things will be like old times, at least for a little while. i am so excited to see both of them, being that they are the two closest males to me. matthew sent me about 4 messages yesterday telling me that he can drive in about two weeks. like i really care. that was rude. i do care and i am happy for him but i dont feel like being annoyed, you wanna know what really pisses me off?? shay and jazzy are actually friends with this dude. sorry guys, but he annoys the hell outta me. maybe, i’ve changed a lot. i just have low tolerance for annoying things and people right now. besides, all three of them together does not make for a good night, you all remember what happened last time we tried that dont you?? oh maybe i didnt tell you the story.

well, around last christmas we all decided we were gonna hang out. we went out to the movies and ended up going to my homegirls birthday party at this lil club. so, we was all on chills at first, had a few drinks, nothing big. then she-she comes up to the table and decides to sit down. i was sitting next to my honey, shay was next to me, matt was across from us next to phil. so, eventually me and phil got up to go dance and shay soon followed. we was just chilled out on the dance floor and next thing i know, matt comes up behind me. ok, everybody that knows me knows good and well i dont do all that freaky deaky mess on the dance floor, save that for the kiddie hoppers. so what did i do?? i turned around to face him and proceeded to do my lil two step. but he kept on getting in back of me… eventually i got pissed and told him to go fetch me a drink, by the time he got back i was sitting in my seat next to my honey having a very nice conversation. i dont think matt was too pleased about that.

so the next day, we had alreay decided to chill at matts and have a few drinks. so we all meet at my house after work and go head over there. everybody knows me and matt play a lot so we starts wrestling and stuff and acting like fools and i could tell my honey was mad but he wasn’t acting like it was a big deal. it was only 3 chairs in the living room and all the dudes had sat down so me and shay went into the room and sat on the bed and matt came in and said he wanted to talk to us so he closed the door… ooohhh my honey was mad. they started banging all on the door tellin us to come out, so we came out and both sat on matts lap… oh my goodness, my honey almost had a fit. eventually i could see that he was really getting pissed so i gave him a lil bit of my time but that was a very interesting night.

now, my honey does not like matt at all. i think its funny really but he was just really jealous about our friendship. needless to say, he’s happy now that we’re not as close as we used to be but all in all he dont wanna be hanging around with him like they all buddy buddy anyway. and phil cant stand him either so i guess its back to the old crew again. me, shay, phil and my honey.

i wonder how jaz is going to react to this. for the past 6 months its been just us three now all of a sudden things are bout to change. i guess we’ll see what happens and work from there. i just cant wait to see my brother… we’re making plans and bout to be celebrating brithdays… lets do this baby.

we are still trying to figure out what we are going to do for phil’s birthday… maybe a tattoo party would be cool. i’m just not for a real big party with a bunch of drunk people and loud music… so done with that nonsense. Better yet, he suggested that we just chill out and have a few beers. i think i like that idea a lil better. but god knows, i want to get the rest of my tattoo’s really soon and parlors charge too much money that i dont have right now. we’ll figure something out.

now onto bigger and better things, what do i get my honey for his birthday??

V.Tech:: back in action

Posted in be the change, community, healing, hospitals, moving on, V.Tech: Today we are all Hokies by Tanae' A. on August 20, 2007

I am excited to see the students at Virginia Tech getting back into the swing of things on campus. There was a gas leak that left a few students in critical condition [pray for them] and a few others were treated and released.

I am praying for them all because I know it cant be easy going back to that campus after the tragedy that they all have had to endure. I hope that they all can take all their pain and allow it to push them into doing something positive on their campus as well as their community.

Hokie Love

when i dont feel like it

Posted in good times, heat, Jasmine, love, Luvli Ladiez, people I love, Shink, weekend by Tanae' A. on August 20, 2007

This weekend I was upset with my besties because they did some stuff and kinda brushed me to the side a bit. I didn’t say anything about it because I didn’t want to seem petty but eventually it came out. My plan on Saturday was to sit in the house in my bed all day and watch movies by myself because I really didn’t feel like being bothered at all. I didn’t feel good and the last thing that I wanted to do was be bothered with a bunch of black folk outside in the heat. But, of course, my plans got ruined when my besties came into the house having a fit because I didn’t want to go. So eventually I very sluggishly got out of bed and got dressed while they rushed me for an hour.

Once we actually got out of the house I was kinda happy that I decided to go because I do absolutely love being with them. I think sometimes I forget how much they can cheer me up even when I feel like crap. By the time we got to the park I wanted to turn around and go back home because my people phobia was beginning to kick in. There were way too many black folk that we had to squeeze past and go around and climb over and I was pissed. The music was good, the heat was terrible, the view was okay, and my feet were sore from standing up and after about an hour and a half of being there we decided to get away from that area. Needless to say, I enjoyed myself even tho we ended up walking for an entire year altogether. We had fun.

I guess sometimes we fail to realize that the people that make us the maddest at times are the only people that can really cheer us up. I would not trade my besties in for the world no matter what. We disagree and I get mad at them and they get mad at me but at the end of the day we are still there for each other, dragging each other on saturday adventures, cheering each other up the best way that we know how, and getting on each others last nerves.

I heart my Go0Ni3S!!! Muah!!

a [blah] good day

Posted in prayer by Tanae' A. on August 16, 2007

Today was a very exciting day for me and I wanted so bad to call him and just tell him about all the wonderful things that are going on in my life right now. I dont know why I didn’t dial his number, I guess I kinda knew that it would be pointless. I remember a while ago when I was talking to a friend [a much older and mature friend] and she told me that maybe our time apart is just God preparing us for the rest of our lives together. I dont know how true that is. I guess I’m always kinda skeptical about things like that. I know that in the next year and a half I plan to do some pretty wonderful things and hopefully, prayerfully, I’ll be ten times more mature when 2009 rolls around. It seems like the time is rolling away but at the same time it seems like its not going anywhere. We’ll see where this life takes us. I’m not saying I’m necessarily waiting on ’09 to come because I know for sure that I may very well be waiting longer than that. Heck, I dont even know if there will be an ‘us’ in another year and a half. I’m praying that there is, but, God knows whats best. He certainly knows better than I do. I’m just enjoying this great and wonderful day that God has so graciously blessed and I cant wait to go home to go jump my lil butt in the bed.

I’m sick guys. And I had to drag myself out of bed this morning. I got stuck in the rain [thank God for managers with umbrellas!!] and I still cannot go straight home after work because I have somewhere to be at 6:00. So I am asking you guys to pray for me so that I can get home without getting caught in any more rain. Pray that this day ends a success. And pray that my mom finds the money that she was holding for me because GOD knows what I will do if I lose it… That was bill money!! LoL!! Seriously.

Oh yeah, and pray for my sisters. One is waiting patiently for an apartment to become available so she can move and the other is about to be starting driving school [without me] and I secretly hope she passes. I just dont want her to know that because I’m still mad at her for not waiting for me to go.

And pray for my Baby… just because.

Tae’

we’re NOT in this together…

Posted in decisions, family, friends, frustrations, hurt, issues, Jasmine, life, lonliness, people I love, seperation, Shink, Tae' by Tanae' A. on August 15, 2007

Since I can remember, I have never done too much of anything on my own. There’s always someone there with me, in it for the long haul. But, I guess now things have changed. For once in my entire life I’m forced to do some things on my own and I am pissed about it. Sometimes you never think that you would be standing alone at certain points in your life. But I guess somethings we just have to deal with on our own. I dont want to do this by myself. I dont want to be left out of something only to have to tackle it by myself later. We’re supposed to be in this thing together and now you two wanna do things on your own and leave me standing here looking stupid. But, it’s okay because you always stand behind the one you leave behind.

Maybe this is just a journey that I need to go on by myself. Maybe this is time that I need to sit back and really just take time out to get things done alone. I wrote a post a lil while ago about being alone. It suggested that even when we are alone we’re not really lonely because we have people in our hearts that keep us company even when it seems as tho we are by ourselves. I want to delete that post right now because I’m not alone but I feel very lonely at this point in my life. Despite all the people around me that are there to help me I still feel like I have no choice but to go through the next chapter in my life, on my own. I’m lonely and I think that I’m supposed to be.

I’m just pissed because someone that is supposed to be there is leaving me in the background to do things on my own and its not right. Would I be pissed if it were anyone but her?? No, I wouldn’t. But it is her and I am mad and angry and she knows it. Or maybe I’m just overly sensitive because I’m going thru a lot right now. Who knows, I just know that right now I wanna be mad so I’ll be mad for as long as I feel like being mad.

people i am proud of

Posted in be the change, change the world, growth, Jasmine, life, people I love, work by Tanae' A. on August 15, 2007

There are a lot of people right now that are really just doing their thing and I must put them out there and let them know how proud i am of them.

Here we go::

JazzyGurl:: My gurl Jaz was being home schooled for a year because she was going thru kemo and radiation but she is officially enrolled in school again and this year she will be GRADUATING!! I am so proud of her because she has really come a long way and she has big goals!!

KPC:: Yes yall, it’s my mommy. She is doing really good in this new business and she is well on her way to success… like she say…we bout to be BALLING!! LoL!! I smell the money mama!! The hard work will pay off… trust.

Phil:: My brother is coming back to Baltimore but this time I think he really has his head on straight. He is saving up money, trying to get a place and for once in my life I really see him trying to do something better with hisself. I’m hoping and praying that I’m not wrong about this one… but I got that gut feeling that this is going to work out for the best.

My HebHeb:: Well, aside from all the wonderful, fantastic things that this man does everyday I am absolutely proud of him because this past Sunday, he did his first baptism!! I was like so excited to see him up there.. so I cant even imagine how it must feel to be in his shoes.

Mrs. Brown:: I must say that it cannot be an easy task to stand beside such a great and wonderful man such as Heb. I def. have to send major kudos her way for that one… besides, she makes HebHeb mushy!! LoL!!

Shay:: My homegirl Shay is finally on her grind. She just started a really good job and her and her boo are trying to do big things… It’s been 7 years now, I’m still waiting on them wedding bells!! LoL!! But, she’s doing good and I am so proud of her for taking a stand on her own and really growing to be the woman that God is calling her to be.

MoMo:: The past month or so has been rough on my lil sis Morgan but I see growth in her that I wasn’t expecting to see this soon. She has her head on straight again and she is focused on the things that matter. A lot of people try to label her something that she is not and hopefully her actions will prove them wrong, but even if they dont, I am very proud of her and I know that she’s on her way to becoming a beautiful respectable talented young lady.

Last but certainly not least,

Angela Braden::  Yes, it’s correct. I am proud of Angie. She takes time out everyday to let people, strangers, peak into a part of her life that she could keep very private. Everyday that she posts something on her blog, she inspires someone somewhere and because of that I am proud of her. She lives a life that speaks wonders and she has not short handed herself by drowning in her sorrows. She has accepted the life that God has designed for her and lived it completely to the maz and I am completely inspired to do more just because everyday she gets up, gets dressed, goes to work, and actually LIVES and thats something I can say for a lot of people that do have their sight. Kudos to you, Angie.

All of these people have positively impacted my life in some kind of way but more than that, they impact other peoples lives every day. I love all of them dearly and I learn something from at least one of them everyday. So, to them I say, Continue on the path that you are going. You are destined for greatness.

Everyone has someone that pushes them to do more… and these are the few people in my life that make me want so much more out of my life… not just for me, but for the people that I can inspire a long the way.

watch what you do

Posted in friends, life by Tanae' A. on August 15, 2007

Yesterday I found myself thinking about a friend that I have recently gained. I ended up contacting him just to make sure that he was doing well because it had been a few weeks since I last heard from him. I think for a while, he will be my example. A lot of times in this life we try to get everything that it is that we want and in the process we hurt people that we love and care about. We dismiss people’s feelings and worry about our own but at the end of the day, karma will always come back to get you. When you play with someone’s emotions for too long eventually they will get fed-up and just walk away and then you will be left standing on the sidelines hurt because everything that you ever had is now gone because you didn’t aprpeciate it. Needless to say, my friend is now lonely. He lost a girl that he loved a whole lot. He still has some valuable friendships and a family to die for but will he ever get the chance to get that one person back?? The one person that loved him inspite of all his flaws, she dealt with his nonsense, put up with his lies, and stuck with him thru thick and thin. And now she’s gone because she got tired. Do I feel sorry for him?? I do. He’s a great guy and I love him dearly and it’s sad to see him down. Do I think he deserved what he got?? Yeah, he’s hurt a lot of people in his life and finally it has all caught up with him. But I still wish the best for him. I hope that he finds love after learning from his mistake. And even if he doesn’t get back with the one that walked away, maybe he’ll end up better off with the friend that he knows loves and cares for him more than words can say.

In this life, we all will have things that we want to get. Things we want to achieve. DONT EVER WALK OVER SOMEBODY IN ORDER TO GET WHAT YOU WANT. There comes a time in your life where things will no longer be handed to you. Sometimes you have to work for the things that you really want, whether its something as simple as a girl or a million dollar house. Nothing in this world is free so be careful and watch yourself. And be careful who’s feet you step on because they could very well be the people that you need at the end of the day.

B.Blessed

Tae’

ok, im complaining… AGAIN!!

I AM SO EFFIN FRUSTRATED!!

I KNOW THAT I CANT DO EVERYTHING AT ONE TIME BUT I ALSO KNOW THAT IF SOMEONE JUST TRIED TO HELP ME I COULD DO THIS. IT SEEMS LIKE EVERYONE IS JUST LOOKING AT ME AND NOT DOING ANYTHING TO HELP ME OUT.

I’M STRESSING MYSELF OUT BECAUSE THERE’S SO MUCH THAT I WANT TO DO BUT I KNOW THAT I HAVE TO WAIT AND PATIENCE IS NOT MY THING. I’M TRYING, GOD KNOWS I AM BUT IM REALLY GETTING TICKED OFF BECAUSE I WANT SO BADLY FOR THIS MONEY TO FAL INTO MY LAP.

IN THE MIDST OF ALL OF MY HYSTERIA, I DO HAVE A FEW THINGS TO LOOK FORWARD TO. I CANT REALLY DISCLOSE ANY INFO BECAUSE I DONT KNOW FOR SURE IF THESE THINGS ARE GOING TO WORK OUT. BUT JUST KEEP PRAYING THAT EVERYTHING WORKS IN MY FAVOR. HOPEFULLY BY THE END OF THIS MONTH, ALL OF MY MONEY ISSUES WILL BE STRAIGHTENED OUT AND I’LL BE ABLE TO MOVE ON WITH MY LIFE.

I DONT KNOW WHAT TO DO BESIDES JUST STAY IN CONSTANT PRAYER CAUSE GOD ONLY KNOWS HOW CRAZY THIS SITUATION IS MAKING ME. I KNOW THAT I WILL GET THRU THIS (on my own) AND I WILL THEN HAVE SO MANY OTHER THINGS TO LOOK FORWARD TO.

a minute away from ministry

Posted in ministry by Tanae' A. on August 13, 2007

A week ago today my lil sis MoMo hit my phone up to ask me if I was going to dance rehearsal. I told her no. So of course, she wanted to know why and when I was going to start dancing again. At first, I was going to just ignore her question and keep on moving but for some reason I felt as tho I had to tell her. And so I explained to her why I am no longer active in ministry and why I chose to distance myself from quite a few people.

Here is my reason.

Ministry, to me, is a lifestyle. There would be no sense in getting up in front of people every sunday to dance or sing when I’m living something totally different. The last thing that I want to be is a hypocrite and so I decided that there’s a lot of things that I have to work on before I can get up to minister to anyone.

Why have I distanced my self from certain people?? There are two reasons…

1. There are a lot of people that will surround you and cause you to lose focus on what it is that you are trying to do and so to avoid getting side tracked I would rather much just push everyone away and do what I have to do. I’m not saying that everyone around me is negative but I only want to be around people that are going in the same direction as me. Therefore I had to distance myself before I found myself lost.

2. There are a lot of people that look up to me and I didn’t really realize it until recently. I dont want to be the one to hinder anyone’s growth so before I can try to set and example for someone I need to get myself together. I’m not saying that I live a life that is totally wrong because I honestly walk away from a lot of negative things but I need to change my way of thinking. I need to work on my mind. I need to change my outlook an a few things and I do see myself changing but I dont want to be a hinderance to anyone elses growth. So I’ll chill out for a lil bit and get myself together before I do anything.

I dont really know when I will be able to become active in ministry again. I really do miss being active but I know that now is not the time to take that step. This past Sunday, Bishop asked all the choir members to come up and I was OBEDIENT and did what I was asked and I must admit, I remembered how much I really do love it up there. I know its not the right time to get started again in ministry but soon and very soon I’ll be back up there ministering… doing what I do, ya know?? LoL!!

Pray for me guys.

money is funny & change is strange

Posted in bills, broke as a joke, debt, frustrations, money by Tanae' A. on August 13, 2007

I have a lot of things on my mind today. There is a lot going on in my life and it’s starting to really stress me out. I dont handle stress well. I’m praying that these issues disappear soon but I know that they wont. Maybe if I tell you all about them, I will feel a little better.

Money is my issue. I cannot stand money at all. I secretly wish everything in the world was five dollars or less. But unfortunately, I owe a lot of people. Well, let me take that back, I dont owe a lot of people, I owe a little bit of people. More like 3 0r 4 people but the point is…. I owe. This is stressing me out because I feel as tho I am working just to pay someone else who is already getting paid to harrass me about a payment. So what am I going to do?? I am going to grit my teeth and pay off all these stupid stupid bills and I will not eat carryout for the next month and that is a hard thing to come to grips with.

Carry out is not really a huge issue because next month I’ll be back up to par on the bill thing… everything will be taken care of but now I’m kinda messed up because all the money that was supposed to be going to the bank is now going to these stupid stupid bill collectors. So how do we solve that problem?? We get a second job. And what do we do with the money from the second job?? We put it in the bank. So where is the money that we get to spend?? THERE IS NONE!!! We dont get to spend any money. We save and we save and work as much as possible and we do what we have to do in order to get ahead.

So why am I so frustrated right now?? I now have to apply for a second job. A second job means that I wont have any time to do things that I want to do. And everything that I want to do consists of spending money because the world is just so daggon expensive. And since I cant do anything that I want to do, I’ll just be in a really crappy mood. But even more than that… I can do the one thing that I want to do which is go back to school… and can anyone guess why?? BECAUSE I DONT HAVE ANY MONEY!! Correct! I am broke, that means that I dont even have money to pay for classes!!! And I cant get financial aid from the school BECAUSE I OWE THEM MONEY…and I cant get aid from the gov’t BECAUSE I OWE THEM MONEY!! So I will have to wait… a whole semester before I can go back to school and do anything with myself.

So, if anybody is wondering what it is that I am doing with my life, please just know that I will be working non-stop just to make a dollar out of fifteen cents. And if anybody out there feels the need to just pray on my behalf it would be greatly appreciated!! LoL!! Really tho.

I want you all to know that it may seem as tho I am complaining… which I am. But I am better than blessed. I have enough money to pay off every single bill that is waiting for me and that may mean that I have to make some sacrifices but I am blessed enough to be able to laugh about something as simple as not having money. I can still afford the simple things that so many people in this world cant afford so trust me when I say that I am completely Thankful to God for even putting me in a position where I am able to pay off all these stupid bills without really having to struggle.

As always… keep praying and never ever stop.