[{GRaViTY}]

i need to get this out…

Everyone knows that I hate drama. I cant stand it, dont want to be around, dont want to hear about it at all. But for some reason I have found myself right in the middle of it and I dont know how to get myself out without reverting to old ways. Point is, I need some help.

There’s a chick. We been cool for a good while now. Are we friends?? No, I wouldn’t say so… but we were really cool at one point in time. I would have to say that my problem with her began one day when she really just turned me off. She did something and it caused me to see a side of her that I really didn’t like. Did that change my perception of her?? No. We were still cool, I just know now what to expect in certain situations.

Sooner rather than later I started to see other things that I just didnt like about her. I no longer wanted to be around her as much or talk to her unless I had to. But, I still had respect for her. Then one day I got fed-up. I told someone how I felt about her. I asked them if I was wrong and if it was just me and they told me no. Then I decided that I needed to talk to her about how I felt and let it ride. In between my realizing my feelings toward her and actually talking to her a lot of stuff went down. I got caught up in a discussion about her and didn’t think twice about the people in the room. Somebody there went back and told her everything that was said about her including the fact that a rumor [that i didnt make up] was spread.

Was I upset that she found out what had been said?? No, if anything it bothered me because she found in a way I didnt want her to. I wanted to sit down and let her know on my own in a very respectful way but that didnt happen. Now, of course, she has an attitude which is understandable but I feel as tho this talking is going no where. I try to say things in a nice way but it seems as tho no matter how nice I am she comes back at me with attitude. Attidude is one thing that i do not know how to deal with. So when homegirl is sitting here trying to pop up real big.. I wanna smack her back down to miniature and cuss her out fa’real but I aint trying to go there this time around. I’m trying to be somebody better than that and although it would work wonders and get her to fall back, I would not feel too good about myself in the end. I want to walk away knowing that I still have my dignity and at least a little bit of respect. I dont know what can be done, I could apologize [which I really do not want to do] I can continue to go on with my life and let her believe what she wants about it all but I really dont want to let it end ugly because it all comes down to the big M word… Ministry.

I’m going to apologize but is that really all that I can do in this situation??

i dont want to be this way anymore

Posted in frustrations, Jasmine, people I love by Tanae' A. on July 16, 2007

My sister tells me at least everyday just how rude I really am. Do I try to be?? Not at all. Wel… sometimes I am rude on purpose but only when I feel the need to be. [I wont really get into the right now] I think everyone knows by now that I suffer with my own little people issue. I think I should really explain what this means.

There are now four people in my life that I could deal with everyday outside of family.. [and two of those people I hardly see so I wont even count them in right now] Those people are Jaz and Bry. I could literally be with these two every day all day and not get tired of them at all. I have a theory, if I cant deal with you everyday, I cant deal with you at all. I have associates who come around every once in a while and I chill with them and enjoy my time with them but they dont call me or text me everyday all day. They wont even call me period unless they need to ask or tell me something. That’s the way that I like things.

I dont want to talk to anybody everyday except for my besties and maybe Bry but thats it fa’real. I think a lot of people dont like that about me. I met a dude not to long ago named Smurph. He is really cool and once I hung out with him I realized that he was only going to be a distant friend. But I told him in the beginning that I only have two types of people in my life, the type that I see and talk to almost everyday and the people I see but never talk to. I didn’t necessarily mean to push him away but I needed my space. I had to do that so that he would stop calling and texting me.

For some reason it aggravated the hell out of me when people that aint in my top try to communicate with me. I dont know why I am like this but I really get an instant attitude when people like him call me or text me because I know that they are striving for a friendship that I dont want nor have time for. Now there’s something different when someone that I see every once in while texts me or calls just to say hey and see how I’m doing. Me and that person both know that we are associates… we say hi and bye… we dont hang out on a regular basis.. i’ll see you in school or at work or at church or around the way… but dont call me asking if we can hang out or go here there and everywhere… I DONT WANT TO BE BOTHERED WITH YOU!! Maybe it’s rude but thats just how I am and this dude just keeps texting me and will not stop and I dont want to come off like im being rude but there is no nice way to say “leave me alone”

But I am kinda tired of being the type to have to brush people off rudely… why cant I be cordial with people?? I dont want to be this way anymore but I dont know why I just feel the need to not have anyone extra in my circle… I feel cluttered when there are too many people around me at one time… Is that normal??

I feel good about myself

Posted in church, commitment, decisions, determination, mommy, money, Shiloh, tithes by Tanae' A. on July 16, 2007

Before I begin braggin… I must send out like major kudos to my mommy. She recently started working with this new company with Mortgage Protection. She struggled at first. Had to pass a test that required her to study harder that hard. She failed it the first time and still went back to pass it the second time. She put out money just to get started. She ended up having to not only buy a laptop but to also learn how to do something as simple as send an email or download an attachment. She bothered be days on end and begged me to show her how to do this and save that or print this out. She didn’t receive the proper training and she was ready to quit but she stuck with it and gave it all she could. Last week she got a call from her manager saying that she would go through another training process and now she would become a manager making more money than she could even imagine. There are probably tons other people in the B altimore area that are making tons more money than my mom. They probably have more clients and know more about what they are doing than her. But somebody saw something in her that allowed them to take a risk and give her a chance. When she was going to give up she stuck in there and in the end she has benefited and that just shows me how strong she really is. She has set a wonderful example and maybe that’s why I feel so good about myself now.

I hardly ever claim to broke because these days I am never broke. It seems like it doesn’t matter how much money I spend, I always end up having just enough money to last me until pay day. One thing that I learned from my mom is even if i cant afford to do an entire 10% in tithes I should set a price that I am going to give each month. So I decided on a price that at first I struggled with every month… it wasn’t 10% but it was close. Then I signed up to pay on the Capital Campaign and there were a few weeks when I didn’t have the money to pay on it so I know I’m at least 3 or 4 weeks behind but I still sacrifice to pay on it… the amount that I said at first.

Yesterday I was in church and the darling Sis. Goode came up to me and informed me that I was the youngest member of Shiloh to be apart of the Capital Campaign. I just felt really good about myself for some reason.

I have to really prepare myself tho for the beginning to 2008. By the end of this year the Capital Campaign will be done with and I made a commitment to myself that I would begin to pay my full tithes. That is over double what I am paying every pay for my tithes and commitment put together but I really think that I can do it. The only that kinda set me back is the fact that I am not supposed to base my 10% on my net and thats what I was doing. So now I have to re-calculate everything and pay from my gross which ups my tithe by a whole lot. Am I really ready for this?? I’ll just say that I am in no hurry to get into 2008.

another monday post

It’s Monday!!! and yet again I am telling you all about my weekend. Three days spent doing nothing too important. Time spent with my besties. Hours that went by way to fast. So what did I do this weekend??

Well Friday was a very interesting day. Me, Jaz, Shay, Bry, and Smurph all got together to eat some crabs on Jaz’s back porch and Jess even came down for a while. We laughed and geeked and played cards and monopoly and did absolutely nothing til about 4:30 in the morning. I think we had about 40 conversations about nothing in particular and had about 75 debates that got no where but it was fun. By 5:00 Jess and Smurph were gone and everybody else turned over to go to sleep.

We all woke up around 9:30 and went to McDonalds to get some food. We spent about 6 hours taking out Chelly’s hair and listening to music and then we finally decided to get some more crabs around 5:oo. We played more monopoly [i won!!] and around 10 we all went to our homes to prepare for church on Sunday morning.

Church was good. India and the baby came along. Brandy and Karen even showed up which was good. After service Jaz went to work and we went to Olive Garden with Mommy, India and Lil Eric. The food was good but none of could eat it all. We went  home and took naps then me and Shay got up to watch my new favorite tv show… Side Order of Life..on Lifetime.

I woke up late and extremely tired this morning. I rushed out of the house and enjoyed a very long ride to work. I got to work on time and right now I am freezing cold cause this air is blazing. I will save tons of money today because I didn’t eat breakfast and I brought my own lunch from home…

Next Saturday is the Church Wide Picnic and I am so excited so I hope and pray that this week goes very smoothly. And I am really praying that I dont get caught in any of this weeks rain. I hope you all are praying as well. I just put color in my hair and I will be highly upset if it starts running!! LoL!! Please pray!!

Tae’

Inspired by an Idol

Posted in beauty, music, Tae' by Tanae' A. on July 13, 2007

For a long time now, people here, there and everywhere have made it well known that I remind them of Fantasia Burrino. At first, I would tend to get a lil bit offended because I didn’t want to be like her, I wanted to be like me. But as time passed by, I guess I sorta began to get used to it. I really think that there are a few children in the world that dont even know my real name. I’m just “Fantasia”. I dont understand LoL. Ever since she got on American Idol I really liked her. I brought her cd when it first came out and I was really digging her music and style. Then, something happened. She came out with a song called ‘Hood Boy’ and I HATED IT!! I didn’t like the video, I didnt like her outfits, I didn’t like anything about that song at all. And because of that song, I refused to buy the album. Well, a few months ago I was sitting at work and someone let me listen to this album, I skipped over that one song, and the rest of the cd was great. I finally saw her Lifetime Movie and fell in love with it. And I am obsessed with her new video… When I See You.

Fantasia is a beautiful young lady. She is very soft spoken and humble. And even through every thing that she has endured she has made a positive name for herself in the music industry. She has been on Broadway. I just saw her on Oprah a lil bit ago singing her lil heart out. She is my inspiration. And the fact that her hair be on point dont hurt nothing either.

I am Fantasia Inspired…. LoL!!

Never ever as long as you live…

Posted in emergencies, family, frustrations, hospitals, mommy by Tanae' A. on July 12, 2007

GO TO THE EMERGENCY ROOM!! Seriously, you be done croaked, died, came back to life and got sick all over again before anyone anywhere sees you or even attempts to help you.

First let me say, I am tremendously thankful that there was nothing seriously wrong with my mom. I was really worried for nothing because she was ok and well… but I am mad!

On Tuesday, we finally convinceed my mom to go to the emergency room because she was still in pain and we were worried. So we ended up having to wait until my older sister got home from work because we didn’t want to have to take the baby out there with us. So I get home and grab some stuff and by 6:30 me, Shay and mommy were checked in and seated in the waiting area.

It took about 30 min. for them to check her vitals and then we got the news. There would be a 6 to 8 hour wait until she could even be seen. So from 7pm to around 3am we sat around waiting. Then finally they called her name. She went into the back, they ran some tests and still had no idea what was wrong. So they tell us that she has to drink some kinda liquid stuff so they can do a CAT scan… problem… we had to wait for two hours after she drank the stuff for her to even get it done. So we decided to sit in the car and attempt to take a nap [that did not work at all] and then we went in to see if they were ready for her to go in the back. Around quarter to 6 she went in the back and had it done and then we waiting even longer for the results. They still didnt know what was wrong but they ruled out anything that was too serious. So eventually they said they were going to call in another doctor to follow behind them and check things out. We left.

We got in the house around 7:30am and got something to eat… and around 9:30 my mom was in the house too. She said it was nothing serious and they put her on some meds for the pain and that was it. By five she was up and running, driving here there and everywhere like everything was peachy cream. Me, on the other hand, I got about two hours of sleep when I got back in because my body is not used to sleeping during the day. I didnt go to sleep last night until 12 and now I blame all my tiredness on the stupid emergency room that leaves people waiting for lifetimes.

If I ever…. EVER… need to go to the emergency room… I swear to beans that I am going via ambulance because at least those people get seen PRONTO!! LoL!! As a matter of fact… I’m adding 911 to my speed dial… I dont want any hold-ups if I ever have an emergency.

B.Blessed

Tae’

Blah Tuesday…

Posted in heat, life, weekend by Tanae' A. on July 10, 2007

Tuesdays have never been hard for me, I usually only have a problem with Mondays but I dont like this day. I dont know why. It didn’t start good and I really want to go home. I am tired and I’m trying to find out if there’s anything to look forward to today and there isn’t. I’ll most likely be in the house by myself with my older sister so i wont go home. I dont really feel like dealing with her today… or no day really. I dont want to just go home and go to sleep. I think I need to be with my bestie today but I have no way to get to her house. I feel the need to go for a walk but its so dargon hott outside… I might just die as soon as I walk out the door. So I’m stuck in this stuffy office and I dont have any air coming in. I really should go in the back and nap for my hour lunch but that would be too boring. I may just sit outside in the heat and try to enjoy it as best I can. What will a little bit of 100 degree heat do to me?? LoL!! Tomorrow should be a better day… It’s the middle of the week!! YaY!! and that only means I’m one day closer to Friday!! Friday is going to be fun… A bunch of us are getting together to eat crabs, play monopoly, and teach Jaz how to play Spades!! Yes…. this is our life.. And oh… best news of it all.. We’ll be doing it WITHOUT Mr. Chase!! LoL!! How lovely is that. Oh yeah, we managed to spend an entire weekend without him but he still practically blew up Shay’s phone like every 2 minutes. Get a life dude! Really.

Posted in be the change, check ya flesh by Tanae' A. on July 9, 2007

You never really know a person until the s**t hits the fan. You think you know people and you really dont. You think you know yourself and you really dont. It’s cool to stay mellow when everything around you is on chills but the true test comes when something really goes down. Right now, I wouldn’t say that there is a lot of drama but there is a lot of things that need to be dealt with as soon as possible. One thing that I learned about myself this weekend is that I am def. changing for the better. Yesterday I was confronted about something and a lil bit ago I probably would’ve told homegurl about herself, hurt her feelins, and kept right on moving. But instead I took time out to listen to what she had to say. I responded respectfully and let her know that I also had a few issues with her that I would discuss at a later date when we had more time. I walked away content and she walked away with an attitude. I think I know why. Everyone got used to me reacting to certain things in a negative way. People prepare themselves before they come talk to me because they know that I’ll say something rude. Yesterday, I didnt do that and it shocked her. I dont know why I didnt go off on her, I dont even really like this chick that much to come at her correct after she came to me how she did. But something in me didn’t feel the need to get defensive. I just sat there, said what I had to say, and I even thanked her for coming at me with whatever issues she had. And from then on she mugged me like crazy but I didnt even get mad about that. I just laughed it off and let it be known that we would get everything out in the clear very soon. I thought it funny because someone that knows me very well even told homegurl not to step to me anyway because I really wouldnt care and her feelings would be hurt. Was he right?? Yeah he was. I didnt care, well I at least didn’t care about the situation at hand. I cared more about the simple fact that there was tension between us and until that gets settled there is no place for either one of us in ministry together. You cant have alto’s just singing off key cause the sopranos pissed you off… that aint right. Did I piss her off?? Yeah I did.. unintentionally. Did I hurt her feelings?? Yeah I did… it was funny but I didnt mean to. Quiet as its kept, I dont dislike this person, we have been cool for a minute now and I haven’t had any problems with her up until about a month ago. I just happen to dislike some of her ways and thats pretty much it. But overall she’s cool as long as we come to some sort of compromise. But I think more than anything, I shocked the hell outta myself on yesterday because I didn’t wild her out. Like 4 people came up to me and asked why I was so calm about it. Thats upset me more than anything. People know me [and my sister] as the twins who just pipe up real big soon as something go down. We’ll be the first ones to tell you about yourself and wont think twice about it. But I’m changing and I want people to see that. So instead of people having to prepare themselves before they say anything to me I want them to know that no matter what the situation I’m going to respond with respect. Am I perfect?? Far from it. Will every conversation from here on out go the way it did yesterday?? I doubt it very seriously. But I am trying to get better in that area. I’m sure that I’ll have my moments where I will revert back to the old ways and wild somebody out but I’m striving for excellence and excellent people dont just pipe up real big when someone tries to talk to them.

Keep Praying

Tae’

when friday arrives

Posted in check ya flesh, community, decisions, friends, frustrations, life by Tanae' A. on July 9, 2007

I think I found out a lot about myself this weekend. I was so excited to see Friday and when it finally came it was like a breathe of fresh air. I’m not sure what I really had to look forward to because I didnt have any plans. I wasn’t anxious to hit the weekend because I actually had a very good relaxing week. I wasn’t particularly joyous to hit the weekend but for some reason Friday just seemed so wonderful. I spent the entire day with my besties doing absolutely nothing. We chilled at my house, cleaned up, watched tv, sat outside, ate some cheese fries and tried our hardest to find something anything to do. Eventually we agreed to have some friends over and just hang out in the night time air. So thats what we did. Until almost 3:30 we sat outside playing card games, laughing having fun, we danced a lil, ate a lil and just had a nice chill time. By the time Saturday morning rolled around I was good and ready for some pancakes. And all day long Saturday we did the same thing at my besties house. We chilled, watched tv, played monopoly, ordered subs, cleaned up, took showers, went to pick up my nephew… then we made the stupidest mistake of the entire weekend…

WE WENT DOWN TO THE AFRAM…HOW STUPID!

It was my mother’s idea really. She wanted to see her gurl Patty. We drove all the way there… found a parking spot…got lost…and walked a whole 5 miles before we even got into the park. Once we got in, I developed a severe case of people phobia and was ready to go home but mommy insisted that we get something to eat. It was 10pm and still humid as hell and I was standing in line to get some chicken and fries for a whole 45 min. And when I get up there this lil short wig wearing lady tells me that they dont have anymore chicken fries or funnel cakes. No more greens or sweet potatoes… all they had was the last of the fish that looked like it was the bottom of the barrel and I swear to goodness I wanted to throw something at her. “Why wouldn’t you put up a sign so that people can stop wasting their precious time in this long line??” “I’m sorry ma’am we just ran out about an hour ago…” All I could do was walk away because I was really like a half of milli-second from telling her where to put her shriveled up bottom of the barrell fish. I just wanted to go home. So we’re walkin out of the park and I thought back and figured that maybe I should’ve told the other people in line that they didn’t have food so they wouldn’t stand there for so long but I was already at the exit. And soon as we walk out of the gates… a man in a wheelchair hits the curb and flips out of the chair at like too many miles per hour and everyone stands around not helping him. Finally two men come and help him up and the onlookers are still standing around… At that moment I knew for sure that it was time for me to go in the house. On the way home I thanked God that I was not confined to a wheelchair because I would have been real mad if those ignent black people were staring at me that way.

Am I looking forward to the weekend ahead of me… not really. I have somethings that I and another person have to deal with and I am not looking forward to it because it may end ugly and I dont want that to happen. If I am looking forward to anything it would have to be sitting down friday night with a whole lot of crabs, a few beers, and some slow jams… just kicking it with my gurls fa’real.

Tae’

((it’s not about me…or you))

I realized in the past month that there a lot of people that I dont like [in my church]. Now, let me break it down for you all. It pretty much falls into two categories… 1st there are the people that I just dont like && then there are the people that I dont like IN MINISTRY.

I have noticed however, that the persons who I just dont like are far better off in my book than those that I dont like in ministry… here’s why. In ministry, to me, nothing else matters. When we all are working together with one particular thing in mind all personal issues go out the door. I can put aside any personal feelings for an individual and do whatever it is that I need to do. I am also a talker. Before I flat out say that I dont like a person I will go to them and just say straight up… look I dont like this, this and this about you. In return they will point out what they dont like about me… and we ACCEPT it. There have been times when I have told people that they dont have to like this about me I aint changing but there also times when I look at myself and  I will work towards changing for the better. But my main purpose is to come to some sort of middle ground where we know.. I dont like this about you, you dont like this about me, ok… I respect your opinion and you respect mines.. lets hug move on and do what we came here to do.

If I have a problem with someone I WILL NOT SIT BACK && DOGG THEM OUT JUST BECAUSE. AND I DEF WONT HAVE THEM WALKING AROUND NOT KNOWING WHAT THE PROBLEM IS BECAUSE SILENCE KILLS.

Now, the persons that I dont like IN MINISTRY have it bad as far as I am concerned. I can talk to you all day long and you can be the coolest person in the world but if I feel as tho you are doing nothing to build up ministry but instead you are using titles for your own selfish gain… Oh buddy, you cut. In the past month or so ministry has become such a priority that personal things really dont matter. I dont care how cool you are, when it comes time to do the work of the Lord and you sitting around faking the funk… trust. I will call you out. Not because I dont like you as a person but because I have no respect for you period.

There are plenty people in my church that I dont really bump wit like that. There are alot of people that I have come to an understanding with. But even those persons that I’m not really cool with… keep my respect because when it comes down to ministry we put our whole selves into it. I used to be the type, if I dont like you, I wont sing with you, dance with you, sit with you, speak to you, nothing. But there cant be division in ministry. When there are so many people with so many agendas God cannot be pleased. I’m striving to please God and no I am not perfect but in Ministry, I am striving for perfection. When persons in leadership are not on one accord there is division. When persons in ministry cant put personal issues to the side there is a hex in the plan.

Yes, there are quit a few people that I cannot stand but no one would ever know it except for me and that person because when it comes time to do something in the house of GOD it aint about me or them but its about HIM!!

Tae’