[{GRaViTY}]

So Through With It…

Posted in love, marriage by Tanae' A. on July 25, 2007

When I was younger, I never had huge dreams of getting married or falling in love or even being in a committed relationship. I knew that I wanted kids and a house some kind of companionship, even if it was only for a brief little while. Most of the women in my family have never been married and those that were married have lived to tell of their divorce(s). I have NEVER in my life seen a good marriage. Not even a good long term relationship. I guess now when I look at cute lil couples I know that there’s more than what meets the eye. My first thought when seeing a “happy” couple is… ‘I wonder whats wrong in their relationship’. I dont doubt that there are people that really have good relationships for a while but I dont think that I believe that love lasts forever no matter how good it is. Maybe thats why I’m giving up on thought that I will ever find real true love that will actually last. There’s no use in trying to find something that isn’t real so why do people waste their time. I try to think of relationships that I could really look up to as an example and I honestly know of four and none of these people are in my family. I wont put those people out there cause I dont know if they would appreciate it. But, I look at these couples and I see that they are people that have put God first in everything and have loved their way through each day. I know that nothing in the world will go without problems but somethings shouldn’t bring you down in life. Do I ever think I will get to see that type of happiness?? No way. I dont even know how to communicate effectively so how in the hell do I expect to survive a relationship and/or a marriage. One thing that does kinda have me stuck tho…. all the couples that I look up to are young except for one. I think its great that they have found something so wonderful at a young age but at the same time its like I’m sorta waiting on the sidelines knowing that sooner or later its going to fail. Of course, I dont wish that on anyone but thats the mentality that I have because thats all that I have seen all my life. Even what I thought to be the perfect marriages growing up were not so peachy cream in the end. I saw a marriage fall apart right before my eyes. I used to look up to one relationship only to find out a few years later that he cheated and they weren’t really happy together. I looked up to another marriage only to find out after he passed away that he verbally abused her all the years that they were marriaged. I dont know. Maybe people like me aren’t supposed to get married and grow old with someone and really be HAPPY with that one person. And maybe its the way I percieve things that will hold me back in that department. All I know is that for now,  I am completely through with love and the thought of it.

Tae.