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Posted in Uncategorized by Tanae' A. on June 25, 2007

Well, it’s monday. It was a very interesting weekend and I dont know how I feel today. A part of me is happy… a very small part. But most of me is just empty. I dont know what to feel. I am exhausted and overwhelmed with emotion and I wish all of this would just go away

I had a fairly good weekend. Friday night was spent resting in my house by myself for once and it was absolutely lovely. Although Saturday was somewhat hectic with all the running around that we did, it was still pretty peaceful and at the end of the day we realized that we didnt really do too much of anything besides burn up way too expensive gas. It was still good tho. On yesterday, all craziness broke out.

The day started off cool. I went to church, got a new phone, ate some great food, and took a few pics all before 10:45 service. The UniverSoul circus called our names and invited us into the Big Tent. We had a blast. After that, we spent a bunch of money on some good crabs and everything went down hill from there at exactly 9:11 pm.

We got news earlier yesterday morning that my best friends grandmothers daughter was not doing good at all. She was in the hospital and all her organs were shutting down. She was okay a week ago. She developed as absess (sp?) on her tongue and got very sick after that. She died around 5 on yesterday evening… we found out at 9:00. In a discussion about her issues someone informed Jaz that most of her problems came from drinking heavily. Thats when all hell broke lose.

After going thru all that Jaz has gone thru her doctors informed her that it was norman to get worried alot and possibly even have anxiety attacks. Well thats when the anxiety started. She became worried about everybody around her. Hyperventaling, crying, screaming, throwing up..everything. She couldn’t breathe, could barely talk and was shaking like crazy scaring the shit outta me. So for about an hour and a half we sat with her trying to get her to calm down and recollect herself and around 10:34 we were finally successful and continued on with what we thought would be a normal night.

But then, we called a very good friend and she was on the phone ballin her eyes out cause her aunt had just died from drinking related issues. It made me think. I fear death. I write a lot about it because I feel like its all around me. It scares me because I think constantly that someone in my life that I care about is going to be taken away from me and I dont think thats something I can deal with. It scared Jaz so much because a lot of people in her family and a lot of her friends drink heavily and if two people can be gone in a split second then any of them can be gone tomorrow.

I didnt get in the bed til after 12 and I had to wake up this morning at 6:30 so I was a lil grumpy but I was more worried than anything this morning. You all should know how I feel about death because I write about it  enough. But there are seven people in my life that I absolutely could not live without and it scares me more to think that something could happen to them. I think I can deal with everybody else, I love them but I can deal with losing them… I’ve prepared myself for the worst. But I CANNOT go on without my mommy, In, Shay, BoomBoom, Jaz, Matt, Phil, or my Grandmother. Without them I wouldn’t even be here today.

I am especially worried now about Jaz and my NaNa cause Jaz worries sooo much and I think one day she’s gonna make herself really sick. And as much as I dont want to admit it… my NaNa is getting older. She cant do as much and it really scares me that she stays in a house all by herself. I get scared a lot of times but I know deep down in my gut that the people that I am going to lose soon are going to be people that I dont even expect. Its gonna come as a shocker and I just hope that my family has enough strength left in our circle to deal with it when it comes.

Sorry this is soo long… I just had to put my feelings out there cause I dont think screaming at the top of my lungs at work is too acceptable!! LoL!! B. Blessed. Tae’

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