I Wish…

Posted in church, decisions, family, friends, frustrations, life, right vs. wrong, school by Tanae' A. on June 18, 2007

A lot of times I look around at a few people and wish that IĀ could make them see how absolutely blessed they are. Yesterday, for the first time in a long time, a lot of the college students that go to my church came back for a good ol Sunday School session. These are the days that we look forward to the most. After we were dismissed we all kinda congregated on the parking lot just talking and playing around and we started talking about how most of their parents were very strict when it came to grades. To most of them a C is unacceptable but to me… a C is pretty good. And yet they sat complaining about how they wished their parents would hop off their backs about school.

I wish that when I was in school I had someone to make sure I kept my grades up. In high school I did just enough to pass and make sure that I was going to walk across the stage. By the time I got to my senior year I realized that I wanted to do something better so I tried my hardest to get at least a ‘C’ average so I could get into a half way desent college.

Of course my mom thought that going to college was a great thing but even once I got there she wasn’t there pushing me making sure I got good grades or anything like that. When I dropped out of college and came home, my mother wasn’t upset, she just made it known that I had to get a job.

My mother wasn’t able to pay for my college tuition and I didn’t have the grades to get any type of scholarship so I settled for loans. I didn’t have enough money to stay on campus my first semester so I had to commute. And once I saved up enough money to stay on campus I didn’t have enough money for anything else so I had to try to stretch 20 dollars a week in order to buy everything that I could possibly need.

I’m not complaining or downing my mother. My mother did a damn good job raising me and my sisters on her own. She made ends meet and was sure that we didnt want for nothing. I just wish that I had someone pushing me and staying on my back about school and grades. And it really bothers me when I hear people complaining about how their parents stay on their back and wont give them room to mess up.

Well, I had plenty of room to mess up and I did my fair share of it. I had to learn a lot of things the hard way. Certain things that they were sheilded from I ihad to endure and learn from. Would I go back and undo any of it?? No, because I’m happy to have went through it. But I wish that some of the people around me would realize how lucky they are to have grown up in families that they did. They are lucky because they had someone pushing them. They are one step ahead of me because they have someone in their corner making sure that they cross every ‘t’ and dot every ‘i’….

The Worst Father’s Day Ever

I honestly dont think I’ve ever had a bad Father’s Day. Of course, I’ve never really had a father to celebrate but usually my days are spent with my family enjoying their company. Yesterday will be a day that I will never forget, just because it was that terrible.

It started off good. I went to church early to dance, went to sunday school, laughed a lil, got some breakfast, and chilled with my fam. As soon as the 10:45 service started we got word that some people close to us lost their grand-father and from there my day went down hill. I tried my best to be there for them all but it was extremely hard. We all decided to dance anyway and the rest of the church service was spent comforting them and making sure they were okay.

Everytime someone around me loses someone, I feel like I’m just that much closer to losing someone that I love. It scares me to think about death because I dont think I would be able to deal with that type of loss. I think now more than ever, I have the urge to be with my family as much as I possibly can because you never know when some one will be taken from you.

Yesterday was the first Father’s Day that I can remember not being surrounded by all of my aunts uncles and cousins. We went to dinner, just my sister and my mom, and then we went home. It saddens me because I see things changing in my family and I dont want to accept the change. We no longer get together on holidays like we used to. We no longer do something as simple as Sunday dinner like we used to. I just have the feeling that it’s gonna take something terrible in order to get us all back together. We are moving away from each other physically and I have a problem with it. My cousins moved to PA a few months ago. My brother moved to South Carolina in January. My aunt, uncle and cousins just moved to Chicago last week. My Uncle has lived in Atlanta since I can remember, my grandfather is in Ohio. And my other uncle is moving back to Alberquerque, New Mexico in less than two months. What is happening to my family?? Why are we seperating ourselves??

My prayers go out to Mama Na and the entire family. Be strong honeys God is with you and so are we…