if ii could send a letter to heaven…

Cornell and MY Bishop,

ii know you two are watching over us so you know everything that is going on. well, it’s that time of the year again and last year you guys pulled us thru in one piece. yeah, youth day o7 was a good day. sometimes, ii tend to forget that you guys are always there is spirit, ii know you will be with us on sunday. every once in a while ii feel like giving up, ya know, feel like walking away but then ii remember that you used to always tell me to keep on coming so thats what im doing. ii just wish that one day ii would walk into that sanctuary and see your smiling faces. but ii carry you in my heart forever. Cornell, ii listen to your solo every once in a while, it makes me smile. it kinda makes me feel close to you in a way. this year, youth day aint as big as it was last year. maybe it wont even be as exciting…but we gonna get up there and do our thang. ii was hoping to make you guys proud but ii know that just my showing up is causing you two to smile. ii miss y’all. so much. thank you for being there always, not just during your vacation on Earth but also for looking out from up there in heaven. aint no way ii would’ve stayed this long if it wasn’t for the influence that you guys have and the promise that ii made.

ii love you ssooo much, continue to be with me, with us, always especially next sunday. ii love you…

Tanae’

.just.so.tired.

im tired yall. really tired. just of the day to day ritual. tired of the everyday people, the everyday headache…the everyday bullshit. tired. tired of trying, tired of helping, tired of being used. tired. just. plain. old. tired. no if ands buts on the end of it…maybe a yarn or two.

yesterday i had to cut off a real cool chick cause being friends with her was keeping me tied to someone else that i didnt want to continue being stuck to in any kind of way. we talked about it and she was cool with it, understood the situation and after that i felt free to walk away. im no longer tied to someone and now that chapter is over with. thank God.

now. i tried the same thing with JHW II but there is no way to be free from that. everywhere i turn there is some way that i am connected to him. i mean, we go to the same church for Christ’s sake and even tho he is hardly ever there….uummm HELLO do you not see his fam and friends surrounding me?? thats a book that has no ending so i guess ill be stuck to him forever…its draining.

i call myself trying to be a friend. i try to be nice, i really do. i let someone who called me their best friend borrow money. the first time i aint think twice about it. she was about to start a new job and just needed gas money. of course ima give it to her especially since she gave me a ride home that day. she claimed she was going to give it back to me and i wasn’t really worried about it… what is ten dollars?? nothing. so two weeks later she had lost that job and was about to start a new job [[did i mention that this chick cant keep a job to save her life??]] and of course was broke and needed money. so, after thinking about i figured id give her some money cause at least she is TRYING to get a job and do something positive. mind you, this wasnt no chumo  change…this was some serious dough, no joke. so, about a week later she loses that job, outrageous yes. so i decides im not going to say anything about the money for a minute cause she needed a chance to get back on her feet. so about three weeks later i asked her when she would have the money and told her i wasnt expecting it all at once. she says that she would have it all on the following friday. by the time the next wednesday came she asked me if she could wait two weeks til the 26th. of course, i said yeah. at least she came at me and asked if i could hold out and i really didnt even need the money. so the 26th rolls around and you would think that she would call me, txt me, im me, hit me up on the space…something. nope. didnt hear from this chick at all. so two days later she texted my phone like she aint owe me nothing…just talking bout nothing. ok, wait a minute, something aint right. i let her go a week just to see if she would mention the money at all. nope. silence. no money talk round here. so by that point i was irritated…not even mad fa’real. i called her and asked when she was going to have the money and after that she been ducking me out ever since. not answering my phone calls or nothing. she was supposed to bring it last week but of course something happened and two days later she magically lost her bank card. so you know what i did?? i went to every single bank website that i could think of and checked to see how long it takes to send a new bank card thru the mail. THE LONGEST THAT IT TAKES TO GET A NEW BANK CARD IS THREE TO FIVE BUSINESS DAYS. ok, she lost the card on saturday so that means it should be in the mail by monday morning and at her house by wednesday or friday.  that means, ill be knocking at her door on saturday evening and if my money aint in my hand my fist will be in her face. sorry but im tired.

pastor’s anniversary is in two weeks. am i excited?? yes and no. excited because first…FREE DINNER!!! i know, i know, the first reason should be because i just love my pastor so much [[which i do]] but…i love food just so much more and you know FREE food is the best food ever invented. so second reason i am excited is because i love my bishop oh so much. third reason…we have three wonderful great menses of GOD preaching and i know that it is going to be a holy ghost filled day. reasons why i am not excited…first, three services, from 7:30 am to around 6:30 pm i will be in Shiloh, around church going people and in church clothes that i do not want to be in for more than two hours max. reason number two, i just got a text message two minutes ago saying that ALL choirs must sing. that means, i have to go to rehearsal and on top of that i have to dance. singing and dancing all day long is not going to work for me so i am going to go to both rehearsals and then decide which one i want to be bothered with because the changing and stresses of both will not be working. reason number three… who in their right mind decided that it was ok to tell Tanae’ that pastors anniversary was coming up two weeks before it comes…ok, allow me to get my head together please. thank you.

im tired. just tired and worn out. tired. i just want to go somewhere far far away and sleep for two days straight and pray for eternity and then come back to try it again. sometimes we just need to get away from the world and just spend some alone time with us and God… until i get to get away ill just be tired and hopefully you will keep praying.

“ya gosta keep coming, baby girl”

the last conversations with Cornell and MY Bishop…

it was a second sunday and YYA were not in place. for some reason there had been a drought and everyone was on chills for the most part. after service ii decided to go speak to my two fav persons who were around the piano with K.Wellz. ii stood there for a minute waiting patiently for my opportunity to speak with them. by the time they had ended their conversation with Wellz, ii was talking to Big Brother Shawn so now they were waiting patiently to speak with me lol… ii turned around and bent down to give Cornell a hug then ii stepped around him laughing as Bishop said something so stupid lol. And there came the conversation that ii will forever remember

 

B: what happened to y’all today??

c: baby girl, what ii keep telling ya??

B. ya gosta keep coming baby girl [[while smackin that left hand on the piano lolzz]]…just keep coming

Me: but we aint having no practices, you know that. and when there are practices its only 4 of us up there

C: you gosta keep coming baby, you strut ya lil cute self in here and you sang!!

B: i dont care if its 2 of y’all up there. you keep coming!

Me: i know, yall keep telling me that

C: dont i keep coming?? huh??

Me: yeah you do ya thing Cornell

C: and dont he keep coming??

Me: yeah, my Bishop keep coming

B: alright then, you keep on coming…

Me: aight Bishop, ima come

C: [[giving me that eye]] now who you fooling?? you aint coming.

Me: ok, when they get it together ima come

B: now dont be talking just to be talking. you know im ya Bishop, i know that trick

Me: [[laughing]] when they get it together ima come

C: alright now, you done said it so it is

Me: promise. ima come

B: thats what i like to hear baby girl

C: ya gosta keep coming

~a few months later: January 11, 2007~

B: hey babygirl, you alright??

Me: yeah Bishop, im alright. you hanging in??

B: come on now baby girl you know im hanging!!

Me: yeah…i know you hanging. you gosta hang cause you my Bishop [[laughs]]… just cant believe this crap

B: yeah me either but we know he’s in glory… you just dont forget your promise baby girl

Me: when they get it straight Bishop, ima come. i promised i would. now its just you and us fa’real

B: you know he’s here…WE gonna get it straight. you got it in you baby girl. you and ms. diva over there.

Me: [[looking at Shay thru the doors]] she is kinda cute aint she… we gonna come Bishop, for Cornell, for you

B: for God baby girl…thats who its for

Me: and for God too…but really for Cornell

B: and ya Bishop?? [[huggin me]]

Me: and my Bishop!!

 

so, i made a promise and every time i get up on that choir stand im doing it for Cornell and MY Bishop. [[and for God of course]] but they are my motivation when i dont feel like it. when i wanna stay home on friday nights instead of going to rehearsal…i hear them in the back of my head saying “you gosta keep coming, baby girl” lolzz… I know they better be happy up there cause we doing pretty good for ourselves and i know that if it wasn’t for the promise that i made to them i wouldnt be up there every second sunday having a blast. so thank you Cornell and MY Bishop for pushing me and for them simple words of encouragement…and the big hugs didnt help none either lol. i miss yall like crazy but yall are forever in my heart.

a HOLY matrix, um matrimony…nope, just easter lol

it is only wednesday and ii am already crackin up over this weeks events. easter sunday is going to be hilarious. first off, ii know somebody is going to put their daughter in some white frilly dress with sling back white sandals and hair ribbons. and that same somebody is going to put that same daughter in some ugly thin shawl that is supposed to protect her from the tiny gusts of wind that come thru on easter morning. to that mother who is planning to torture that daughter, warning:: IT IS GOING TO BE FORTY SIX DEGREES ON EASTER!!! just thought she might want to know that before she sets herself up for failure. please put your children in COATS!!

and you would not believe that after two hours of sitting for two hours on monday trying to find a song to dance to, we picked some song that is ridic. seriously tho, this song got some wack beat in it so we was practicing and ii rocked off with this holy matrix move mixed with a tick and ii promised mo that i would do that on sunday morning. lmao. this is going to be funny but like India Arie said:: a promise is a promise haha.

ii am also deciding to renew my vows on easter sunday. somewhere along the line ii drew a line in the relationship that ii have created with Jesus. so that line will be erased somewhere around the spot where 5:45 slowly turns into 6am… translation, ii will be in church bright and early on sunday morning for sunrise service and ii know that there better be a mixed crowd on that parking lot when ii get there.

ii am showing up but ii will be dippin out to get a nap in before sunday school. ii am praying that someone brings in our early dismissal forms lmao. matter fact, im getting my own leave slips just in case she forgets. this should be funny, hey, we’re just being OBEDIENT…DuH.

and um, please Jesus allow a certain someone to get her hair did before she get up to dance on sunday morning because we all know that you dont want to rise and see that mess cause ii surely dont. we want to leave this Easter holy because we understand and appreciate the sacrifice that you made just you and I both know that someone should sacrifice a few dollars to get that weave done. Amen Jesus.

church folk say the darndest things lol

so, at the end of our very fun dance we were forced to do a half split. of course, ii did nothing close to a split but Mo and Kim did their’s completely… as ii was getting up off the floor this is what ii heard…

Nina~ “ii can do that”

HebHeb~ “you want me to help you up??”

lmao…me and Mo was cracking up cause ii know that no one but us two heard it and it was the funniest thing. then the other idiot of the day gets on the topin of lotion…oh em gee.

sean~ “i’m just ashy, like if ii was a slave they would’ve talked about me. since ii was born, ii was just ashy. my mother just coughed me out. seriously, she said ::cough:: and there ii was. just ashy. now look at me, im beautiful. beautiful and ashy. but ii put on my watery lotion and it helped.

ii promise we sat back there for twenty minutes listening to this man talk about how ashy he was. like, ii have never heard anyone clown theirselves so hard it was ridiculous… yes, the results of being an only child. lolzz.

oh, and ii figured ii would be nice and relay the message that bishop wanted us all in church t~shirts for easter and this is the response ii got from someone’s mother…lolzz.

someone’s mother~ “what?? who wearing t~shirts on easter?? it is easter sunday, my kids is putting on something nice. aint nobody wearing no t~shirts…ITS EASTER!!”

church folks, say the darndest things and ii lovezz it.

a long post

this weekend was expected to be a fairly good one. happy to say, ii wasnt disappointed at all. friday ii ended up being home which was okay with me because ii needed the peace and quiet. ii thought ii would be able to sleep in on saturday but people in america think that seven thirty is a good time to txt me. by the time ten o clock hit breakfast was ready and ii was so thankful to mommy for being such a good chef lolzz. ii got a shower and prepared for my day out. [[notice ii said out and not in]] anyways, it was raining by the time my bae came over so we decided to chill out until it stopped. what do you know…it stops around four o clock so we get ourselves together to go to the movies. next thing we know the wind picks up top speed and we are stuck in the house again. so needless to say, we miss the movie and we are sitting here trying to figure out what we are going to do. then ii get a txt message saying that ii better find something to wear for church because ii had to sing. so me corey and shay decide to go to dots to find something to wear. we come back and decide to just stay in, play spades and order pizza. meek came over and we sat around until around ten thirty having a ball. meek and corey left and ii headed straight to the bed. ii didnt want to wake up sunday morning but ii knew that we had to. of course we are always late because we just wouldnt be us if we were on time lolzz. anyways, shany was to lead the first song of the day and ii was floored when she did a cross over strut around the front of the church. this girl did a dip, a few spins and ii was waiting patiently for her to rock a shoobalou but ii was disappointed lolzz. after church ii drove home and treated mommy to dinner [[understand the two verbs in that sentence... ii DROVE and ii TREATED...now you know it was a good day lol]] ii went home, took a nap and then chilled with in and the baby for a long long time lolzz. ii eventually went to sleep and woke up this morning ready for work.

ii also talked to one of my favorite people this weekend and ii was happy about that. ever since ii can remember my uncle gerald has been down for me and shay. of course, we are his favorite nieces and ii owe part of that to mommy who is his favorite sister. yeah, its good to be associated lolzz. but seriously tho, this dude has been there since day one and he is like the only male role model in my life as far as family is concerned. but, he holds a special place in my heart and ii dont really talk to him as often as ii would like to but when ii can talk to him its like a breath of fresh air. ii plan to go to go visit him in boston very soon but until ii know that he is only a phone call away. this is my heart right here…

ok, and someone please explain to me why some Tyler Perry tickets is damn near fifty bucks. ii dont understand that at all. ii was trying to be nice and so ii told my mommy that ii would treat her to go see the Marriage Counselor but when ii looked today at the prices the numbers almost blew me away. $45.50…are they serious?? ii wish ii didnt have to pay for her to go but ii already said ii would and im a lil pissed about it especially since ii just bought them Katt Williams’ tickets. but ii aint tripin over it, ii gots the money so might as well stop complaining lol.

and ii have a slight problem…nothing huge, i said slight.  ready?? okay… WHAT THE HECK AM I GOING TO DO FOR MY TWENTY FIRST BIRTHDAY?? ii already know that im going to spend a weekend with my uncle for a weekend around that time but other than that ii want to go out somewhere. ii dont want a party or nothing like that but ii do want to have fun and enjoy myself. most likely there will be a dinner for my fam and close friends so ii can celebrate with them but i dunno about the rest of the stuff. im trying to get up out of bmore so if anyone has any ideas that you wanna toss around, let me know. this is crucial and we must start planning now so that ii can start saving up.

and…i am thanking God for my mommy’s friends because one of her peoples just opened up a shop and he is going to hook a sister up with a car in a few weeks and it already passed inspection so ii am so excited about that. everything is working itself out and now all ii have to do is pass my driving  test in two weeks and im good to go. please please please be in prayer for me. and pray that my sis gets approved for her townhouse tomorrow. im ready to make the big move~DOWNSTAIRS lmao!! haha!!

happy monday to yah!!

P.S. ii lovezz my church!!!

something to look forward to…

This week was very…interesting. I was excited on Monday because I was actually able to go home after work and stay there. The rest of the week, however, wasn’t that simple. On Tuesday I ended up having to go handle some business with a friend and we didnt get back in til about 1:30 in the morning. I was a whole lot pissed when it was time to get up and I promised that I would go home and go to sleep on wednesday after work. I actually kept my word and slept for a good two hours. I was ready to be in the bed at ten but then another friend wanted to go on this emotional roller coaster and I didnt get to sleep til 3. I woke up yesterday morning happy that a lot of things got settled the night before but still pissed due to lack of sleep. Yesterday was another long day, I went to see my grandmother right after work. Me and Meek ended up going to the mall to see Nisha and the fam and after about an hour there we went down to see Kev*Out since I couldnt go to the funeral this morning. I was in the bed by 10:30 last night but when I didnt want to get up this morning. I dragged myself into work and was planning to go home and chill. But, what do you know, the good people at Shiloh insist on sending emails out on thursday night to tell us that we have choir rehearsal friday. Do I feel like going?? Not at all but I guess it doesnt hurt to be obedient every once in a while lol. I am going home as soon as we pray out to put on some comfy clothes, chill out and wash clothes. I will wake tomorrow morning excited and happy because I have one hell of a day to look forward to. My bae is coming to see me YaY!! We actually have a plan but I heard that it is supposed to rain tomorrow and that is not good at all. This is supposed to be a whole day together and in the evening we’re hooking up with Meek and her boo. Hopefully it does not rain and we can go thru with our plans but if it does we are def. gonna figure out something else to do. I am just excited because even after a long, tiring week I have something to look forward to.

Let me state for the record how much I absolutely lovezz my homegirl Meek. She is the most retarded person I know but this week has been extra fun because she is just so crazy.

Bishop, My Bishop

Bishop, My Bishop [[aka Askew]]

I never thought I would see this day. I just knew that you were gonna come back just like old times but I guess I was wrong. From the time you first got to Shiloh me and Shay loved ya lil crazy self. You are Cornell were a total package and I never thought we would have to say goodbye. Tell him that I love him and I miss him down here. Tell him that Y&YA are doing pretty darn good with this DonDon fella. Wow, I cant believe this man. This is going to be a hard one to deal with but I know that you and him probably having a blast up there on them heavenly streets. Just dont forget to watch over us and be with us every step of the way. We’ll meet again soon enough.

Rest In Peace 02-19-08

second sunday… :-)

Please just let me tell someone the events of my Sunday morning… First off, they tell us friday night that we have to wear red and black on Sunday to sing in and I was tripin off that. I already had something close to red [it was actually burgundy but oh well] but the bottoms would be a prob. I needed black pants. Of course, it is not a pay week so im kinda stuck like ok i’m wearing jeans and its gonna be what it is. Shay was struggling too, she didnt have a red shirt. So mommy decides to take Shay out to get a shirt on friday but then the shirt that she gets was too small so she couldnt even wear it. So Sunday morning comes and I got on Shay’s too big pants and this belt was wrapped around FIVE times and suffocating the dear life out of me lol. And Shay wore the all black and hooked it up with red accessories and red boots. We were late…of course. [[not me and Shay's fault of course]] We get on the choir stand and everything is going great. Service is rolling smoothly and cool and then it comes time for us to sing. Oh Jesus…bless us indeed!! So, Darnell starts with this lead and then we all chime in sounding good and then it happened… the unthinkable went down. This man got up from the organ and did a shoobalou that was OUT OF THIS WORLD. He had people in the aisles tryna rock the two step and we was up there crackin up something serious. By the times we finished the song my stomach and cheeks hurt from laughing so hard but I was so happy that everything worked out well. We had fun up there, we sang well and we looked darn good if I might say so myself lol. Oh and let it be known for all those that didn’t get the memo….it is an absolute SIN to give Jasmine Jacole Portia Owens the microphone under ANY CIRCUMSTANCES WHAT-SO-EVER. She is not to stand anywhere by a mic no matter what, I dont care if its welcome or offering or the benediction…DO NOT GIVE HER THE MIC!!! That was the most outrageous funny thing that I had seen all day long and I want everyone to know that I object, that type of behavior is so unacceptable in the house of God lolzz. I’m glad that we got up there and did our thing and I am actually looking forward to practice friday night and next second sunday to roll around. Darnell is no Cornell but he’s alright with me… yeah, I can handle this dude and his shoobalou!!

shoobalou::

an unfamiliar foot movement usually done by those that have not a care in the world. This movement can be dangerous to those within a two foot radius and deadly to persons that engage in this type of behavior. If and when you encounter someone that does this type of movement in front of more than five people, BEWARE this person is ridiculously hilarious. lol

Y&YA

This coming friday the youth and young adult choir will come together to have a rehearsal. We now have a new musician and while I am excited about something new I am also a bit skeptical about this. The last time Y&YA sung we had Cornell there with us. I’m doing this for him. I remember so many days we would come out and it would only be four or five of us at best and he would always tell us to keep coming. He always said that it would get better. He was that drive we needed to keep going some days. Even tho he’s not here in person I feel like he is the drive that still keeps me going. I can picture him now with that grin as he raises that one eyebrow and says “baby girl, you gotta keep doin what you doing” and then that crazy Askew Williams would always co-sign with him “thats right keep on coming,  just keep on coming” lolzz… It wont be the same without Cornell but I know that his spirit lives on and because I know that he believed in us i’m going to go in there knowing that we can do and be something better than anyone ever imagined. It may start with a few but I’m believing that we will be fruitful and multiply.

Cornell~ I miss you so much and I love you. Things aint the same without you but I keep you in my heart and I thank you for everything that you  have done. I am a better person because I was impacted by you and I know that you are looking out for me, for us. Strengthen the Bishop so he can come back and play for us real soon. Rest In Peace.

Bishop, My Bishop~ You know I loves you and I hope that you get better real soon cause I miss seeing your smiling face.  Jus take your time and get well because we need you. See you soon and until then you are in my prayers.

Tanae’ A.