another life taken…

ii come to you with sad news today. another life has been taken away nd its hard to believe. its like after high school you lose contact with people and when you do talk to those old friends its only thru the wonderful world of myspace nd facebook. but one thing is for sure…you never forget those .real. people that were there. Anthony Benitez was one of them. ii remember the first time we met and ii HATED him lol. he rode up in his nice azz car while we was on the bus stop. picked up Ke nd left the rest of us standing there IN THE RAIN. ii cussed him out something serious that day nd for about two months we couldnt stand each other. then one day he comes up to me nd says “Twin, ima drive you home today… pay back from the last time”… it wasnt raining nd ii damn sure wasnt at the bus stop but ii took his ride nd since that day we were cool peoples. he was the sweetest person ever nd that was the side of him that he tried to hide. but no matter how hard he tried ii think everybody got a glimpse of that pure.ness at some time or another. Benny was nothing short of amazing… nd someone took him from us too soon. ive only seen him a handful of times after ii walked outta dundalks doors for the last time 4 years ago but ii could never forget someone like him. a community .a.family. is yet again scarred by a life stolen… he will surely be missed.

RiP Anthony Benitez. 88-09 not enough yrs on this earth nd in our lives

someone cry with me….please, jus shed a tear on my behalf

ok, so everyone knows that Katt Williams is coming to town next week. and everyone knows that ii purchased the tickets the FIRST day that they went on sale because ii could not possibly risk them being sold out. ii have been waiting for this for over a month now. doing a count down in my head. but then, someone mentioned a car…and you know all those funds so necessary for tags and insurance?? well, they kinda slapped me in the face and now im a lil on the broke side. so in order to get the well waited for vehicle to be in front of my house ii have to make sacrifices. yes, ii am giving up on my future baby daddy and selling my ticket to mommy and inside ii am dying but ii know that it will all be so worth it when ii am able to get behind the wheel of MY car on this coming FRIDAY!!! [[a moment of silence for the show that ii am going to miss...]] you know what, im gonna be ok, im gonna make it thru this grieving process and me and my future baby daddy are gonna have to meet up at a block buster somewhere at a later date… matter fact…my car now has a new name… Katt Jr…. no kidding….thats the vehicle name. and ii do understand if your heart is a lil sore from the unexpected change of plans… ii know how much you all wanted me to go and see my mans…

to all you N.O.R readers, Tae’ is back in full effect. poem is posted and we keeping up with the flow. leave me some comments too, ii wanna know what yall think

Bishop, My Bishop

Bishop, My Bishop [[aka Askew]]

I never thought I would see this day. I just knew that you were gonna come back just like old times but I guess I was wrong. From the time you first got to Shiloh me and Shay loved ya lil crazy self. You are Cornell were a total package and I never thought we would have to say goodbye. Tell him that I love him and I miss him down here. Tell him that Y&YA are doing pretty darn good with this DonDon fella. Wow, I cant believe this man. This is going to be a hard one to deal with but I know that you and him probably having a blast up there on them heavenly streets. Just dont forget to watch over us and be with us every step of the way. We’ll meet again soon enough.

Rest In Peace 02-19-08

remind me to quit…asap

I am absolutely convinced that my dance instructor is CRAZY out of her head lol. Seriously tho. Yesterday I was limping around all day long due to pains in my knees, hips, back, side… just pain everywhere. I was in no condition to even attempt to go to dance rehearsal but I went anyway. I thought we were going to go over what we learned last week because that was fairly easy and didnt take too much out of me. Once I got there I was so super happy to learn that I got what I had hoped for. And then my night went down down down hill. We are saving this dance for 1st sunday in march, someone forgot it was black history month. Well, I didnt forget but I was surely hoping that she would forget because God Himself knows that i HATE black history dances, especially ones that this lady makes up. We literally learned the first fourty eight seconds of this dance and now I am worse off than I was when I got there. She has recreated the lunge and I swear if I stretch my back leg any further or get any lower I am going to blow. I really dont think people know how much it takes to not only learn a dance but to also do this same dance five hundred times in two hours. It looks so pretty and nice and fun… oh no, we smile but we are in some serious pain up there. With every lunge and every spin and every dag on sashay our bodies are slowly falling apart and I just want people to think about that when they see us up there on sundays.

Sunday, I promise I was ready to truely give up and here’s why. We get dressed, sit in the back as usual and then are told that we are all starting in a squat. Okay, you try to squat and then hop up into a spin and see how you like it. Then, after doing our parts we had to squat again. And then, after this lady saying ‘im encourged’ eight hundred and sixty two times, I ran out of encouragement and needed some oxygen. Then, in addition to that we find out after service that we are going to be dancing to the choir. Okay, I love my Peggy to death but that woman knows how to stretch a song for dear life. By the time I got thru the third manifest I was ready to go. But of course, this lovely dance instructor of mines makes it known that the manifests have to be powerful “I want leaps and spins, get up off the floor. I want BIG manifests..” her words exactly. So unfortunately I end up standing right next to her and she is giving me this look like, you better leap and im running around about to collapse at the altar and pray for some new knees.

I just want the entire world to know that as soon as someone reminds me, I am quitting this mess and picking up a new profession lol. I truely pray that all my pain is ministering to someone cause if it aint, Im limping around for nothing. And as soon as my joints heal, It’ll be back to dance practice for the african dance. Just pray for me… please.

—>friends<—

Yesterday night I was really having a moment and it probably is not that serious to any of you but it is important to me so I’m sharing it…

As you all know I broke my phone on Saturday and the past three days have been spent filling out paper work and talking to people about getting a replacement. It was a stressful process but when I finally got to the end I was relieved. For some reason I thought that they were going to bill me for the replacement phone instead of requesting in on the spot so I was kinda upset when they asked for it last night. When I realized that I didn’t have it I got really upset because I didn’t have anyone that could spot me the money. It kinda pissed me off because when anyone needs money I’m the one that they come to. I give and give but it sucks that when I need something I have no one to turn to. I know that if I wouldn’t be there for so many people I would have had the money in my account when I needed it. But since I didn’t have it I attempted to call my “best friend” because I knew that she had money stashed away. Now, like I just said, I am always the one to give people money. If someone asks me for something and I have it I will not think twice about giving it to them expecially when I know that they are going to pay me back… check out how this conversation went…

Me –> “Hey, you got some money I can borrow til I get paid??”

Her –> “Not really but I can get it out the bank for you. How much you need??”

Me –> “a hundred…”

Her –> “for your phone?”

Me –> “yeah…”

Her –> “Oh hell no!!”

Me –> “~dial tone~”

Why did I hang up?? And why have I been ignoring her calls all morning long?? Because I’m pissed… If ever in ten million years she ever asked me for some money for ANYTHING regardless of what it is I would give it to her and wouldn’t even ask for it back but here I am askin her for some money to BORROW that I was going to pay back WITH INTEREST and she tells me know because she thinks its stupid. I never really thought that I would ever have her deny me something that I wanted that she had. So last night I was really mad. Not just at her but at the fact that when I need something no one is there to call on except my mother. One thing that I’m beginning to realize in this life is that my mother is my best friend. So, mommy gave me the money and I’ll have my phone by tomorrow but that doesn’t change how I feel. I dont need friends that are just there for certain things. I want a friend thats there for everything and my mom is the only one that is there on every level. I love my friends to death but I guess now I know that there are boundaries to everything but that sucks when I dont put restrictions in my friendship.

So today I am so thru with people who are so called friends… I just need a break from it all and I’m spending more time with mommy dearest whome I love so very very much.

hurt by your actions

life sometimes is complicated and that is something that i have learned to understand and accept. i know that every once in a while life throws us a curve ball and we just have to roll with the punches. but that doesn’t change the fact that even when life moves you, there are still the same people here where you came from. someone that i look to as a sister was going thru some stuff about 6 or 7 months ago but i didn’t know what was going on til about 3 months after the fact. one day we were hanging out together and then the next day she was gone. just like that. she didn’t say goodbye, didn’t say she was leaving, and she didn’t say that she would be back. but me being who i am i’m gonna do what it takes to make sure that you okay so about 3 weeks after not hearing from her at all i starts blowing up her phone. i mean, im callin everyday like 3 times a day leaving messages and all but she never answered. eventually i started shooting her emails and junk and still she never responded. soon her phone was disconnected and i was really worried then til i found out from one of her friends what was really going on. some things had happened that kinda threw her off track and so she went somewhere to get her self together. that was understandable. once i found out about what was going on i could actually breathe easy for a while. a lil while after i found out what had happened i decided to shoot her another email and since then we have been in some type of communication. it wasn’t until yesterday that i really talked to her for the first time since she left. she emailed me and told me that her cell was back on and that her number was the same so i decided i might as well give her a call. so we ended up talking for a while and she told me that she was in another state and doing well. she had a new job, got a new house and was kinda settled in about 2 months ago. while i was happy to hear that she was back on her feet and doing well I was a lil angry with her. for as far back as i can remember, me and her have been cool and since then there hasn’t been a week that we dont see each other or talk over the phone. thats why when she just disappeared i thought it was kinda freaky but i couldn’t be upset about life throwing a hex in her plan. i cant even be mad at the fact that she didn’t come back to these parts because i know how life can be. but what i am angry about, is the fact that even after everything is said and done she didn’t even have the audacity to call. she told me when i called her that her phone had been on for over a month but yet she never called or anything. thru all the emails that we have sent one another she never told me that she was okay and back on her feet. she never told me that she wasn’t coming back to baltimore at all and im upset about it. i would think that when someone is that close to you you would at least call and just to let them know that you are okay but i guess not. even tho i am a lil angry upset and hurt i am still happy that everything worked out for her and she is doing okay. regardless of where she is or where life takes us she will always be a sister to me and i will always have love for her. i just had to get that off my chest real quick lolzz…

[[im oh so 08]]

inspired by a life…

It is always hard to deal with death but for me it is like the ultimate struggle. No matter who it is that we are saying goodbye to, I always find it extra hard to deal with. Death is truely something that i despise with like everything in me and but this time around I’m not angry. Its almost like the famous words “death where is your sting?” Usually, the death of someone can send me for a loop and altho I am really saddened right now I’m also happy. Cornell was a great guy whome I loved dearly. He was always smiling and laughing and he never complained. He showed up and pressed his way thru every obstacle and he had faith that allowed him to praise in the midst of his pain. I remember those sundays when me and Shay would come strutting in and he would give us a wink from the piano and ask if we were okay… he was always so happy. Im gonna miss him and it sucks cause I never thought in a million years that I would never see him again. I just knew that sooner rather than later I would see him make his way into that sanctuary and lead that choir like he always does. I just knew that I would be able to see him and hug him and tell him how much I love him just one more time… but that time never came. It’s sad and it hurts to know that I will never be able to see him again but inside my heart is rejoicing because I know that finally he doesn’t have to suffer anymore. Finally he is at rest and I know that he is somewhere in the heavens singing his lil heart out. Oh God, I’m going to miss that voice of his. There will never be another Cornell. There will never be another person that inspires me the way he does. I looked at him with so much admiration because it was amazing to me how someone can go thru so much but still have this smile on their face and this aura about him. There was something about Cornell that you just couldn’t help but love and it was like everytime I saw him I just couldn’t complain about anything because its people like him that make my situations look small. Its people like him that teach me to appreciate life and its people like him that cause me to have faith. Because I know that if even thru everything that he went thru he can trust in God and still praise God and still do the work of the Lord then I know that the same God that kept that smile on his face can keep a smile on mine as well. I will never ever forget him, I love him and I am so blessed to have known someone like him. I thank God for his life.

[[R.I.P Cornell]]

watch over us from your seat up in heaven

sometimes helping a friend is the wrong thing to do

Needless to say…there is more drama in my life but I plan for it to be over with slam soon as I hit publish at the bottom of my screen. My drama is wrapped all around love. Not my love of course, I’ve dealt with that enough… but someone elses love. It seems to me that when you have a friend that is head over heels in love with someone there is no telling them anything. But what do you do when anything is the something that will tear them apart in the end? Well, I have a friend like that and I told him the truth about what was going on. Did he want to know?? No. Did he need to know?? Yeah… he did. I remember one day I was sitting in my kitchen with my brother and sister and my brother told me that my honey had crossed that line… I didn’t wanna hear. But you know what, if I wouldn’t have heard it from him, I would have heard from somewhere else or from somewhere else and that would have been harder to deal with. When you love someone, you dont want to hear anything bad about that person. You want to think that you know them down to a t and when you find out something that they failed to tell you… it really hurts like hell. Of course, we would all like for those we love to air out their dirty laundry before we hear it from someone else who has nothing to do with it but who do you hear it from when the one you love wont tell you?? Do you just stay in the dark about it or do you hear it from someone who cares and deal with it.

I cant say I feel bad about what I said. His chick is shadey and granted me and her are cool but when it comes down to it he was getting played. She was being shiesty and hopefully they can talk it out, put it behind them and move on with their relationship but if they dont then I refuse to feel bad about that. I do feel bad that he’s as hurt as he is. He’s a good guy and he finally found love and he deserves to be happy but does that happiness have to come with a blind fold?? I dont know…

They say ignorance is bliss and maybe thats true…

im trying to trust Him…

So, friday night was fun just like any other friday night. I did nothing but chill with my besties and eat sketti all night. I went to see Vicky-T for a while and she seems to be holding up pretty good. But, it was all fun… a great night. Then around 6:30am we get the call that put me in a funk. My Nana had a stroke. I dont think it registered at first, I rolled over and went back to sleep. Woke up went driving and then went to the hospital and thats when it hit me. MY NANA HAD AN EFFIN STROKE!!! It’s been hard seeing her like this. To know that there is nothing i can do. Is she going to pull thru this okay?? I think she will. but its going to be a long hard process and everyone is going to have to be strong for her.

I told myself last night, after being at the hospital practically all day, that no matter what happened I would continue to have faith in God. I’m trusting that He will bring her thru this alright and things will go back to normal but even if they dont [go back to normal] i still wanna know that He is still God. No matter what happens… he’s still faithful. And even when none of us feel like being strong anymore I trust that He’s going to be there to help strengthen us. But right now I dont need him to be my strength, or my friend, or my confidant or even my provider… right now I need him to be her healer. I am unimportant. My needs are not what matters right now… I need him to bring her some strength so that she can walk again, give her some comfort for those lonely nights in that hospital bed… give her some healing that will help her to get better really soon.

i’m trying to trust Him… I really am

saying goodbye

Tomorrow morning sad and hurting hearts will gather to say goodbye to Ms. Sarah. They will come together to support one another and to pay their last respects to a lady that will not be forgotten. I wish I could go but unfortunately I have to work but my sister and bestie are all going to support the family, especially Victoria. I think goodbye is one of the hardest things that we can say to someone and this week I know that lots have struggled with having to say those two simple words. I am happy tho, and I feel very blessed to know that I am apart of a supporting church family that comes together no matter what happens to support one another. I am happy that so many of Shiloh’s members have gathered in that house that I have walked past so many times. They have gone to support a family that is pained by a loss. I know that tomorrow will be hard day for them and my prayers are def. wit them all day long. I just hope and pray that even after tomorrow, they remember that God is there to comfort them and that she is there watching over them all but more importantly she is in their hearts.

Good bye Ms. Sarah… watch over us all

R.I.P Brielle… && thank you for strengthening the gurls. They miss you terribly but they are doing so good and they are growing and realizing that life is worth living. Thank you especially for watching and keeping Lucy, you have somehow managed to give her some type of direction and I know that you are proud of her. She is a beautiful girl and she is learning to be as strong as you were. One Love.