Life Without a Father

The other day I was having a conversation with someone about life without a father and the affect it has had on me. Because that isn’t something that I really take time out to think about, I had to take a lil while to get my responses together. Whn I first thought about it automatically said that my growing up without a father really didnt have a serious impact on the person I grew up to be. I lied.

When I really think about it, I know that being raised by my mother only has had an affect on me that I wouldn’t name totally negative. Because I know what it’s like to grow up without a father I purpose to be in a long healthy stable relationship [hopefully married] before I even consider having kids. Although my mom took very good care of me and my sisters, I watched her struggle for too many years just trying to keep food on the table. We managed but I never want to be put in a situation where I am forced to care for my kids on my own.

One thing that I’ve also noticed is the way I interact with persons of the opposite sex. I am very careful about who I let into my circle. A lot of times I hear people say that girls who have grown out without a father figure will gravitate towards guys cause they are in search of that love they never got. I think I am the total opposite… I am in search of that type of love but at the same time I know that everyone cant give that genuine love that a father can give. I am very adamant about who I let love me or who I give my heart to and a lot of people say thats a bad thing but I really disagree.

I do not totally push love away but I dont trust peoplw with my feelings because thats a serious way to get hurt along the line. I refuse to be hurt and heart broken a million and one times on my way to finding true love. A fathers love cant be given to me from anyone no matter what. There is no one that can fill the shoes of a daddy at this point in my life so I realize that there’s no point in searching for that type of love. The little girl in me wants desperately to experience the love of a father but I’m not that little girl anymore so I totally dismiss the thought.

My mom used to always say that out of me and my sister, I took not having a father the hardest. I think that’s true. I took all my anger out on my mother causing us to have a very rocky relationship. My sister is totally different than me. She’s not quick to love but at the same time she doesn’t push love away and when she does love its easy for her to walk away without a big fuss. Now me, on the other hand, If I love you…it’s gonna take 27 men to pull me away and change my heart cause I dont fall in love quick and I dont know how to fall out of love.

A lot of times I try to think about who I would be if I did have my father around and I honestly dont think I wanna know. I like who I turned out to be. I like the fact that I had to struggle to get to where I am. I like the fact that I had to endure some hurt and pain cause now I am stronger because of it. I’m happy to say that a lil while ago me and mom did have a terrible relationship and today I am happy because more than anything, today I can call her my friend. So living without a father didnt turn out to be so bad after all. Am I affected by it today? Yeah I am. But I live everyday knowing that I wouldn’t pay anyone to let me start over again differently. And the only thing that saddens me, is knowing that I’ll walking down an aisle one day all alone. Oh Well!!