another life taken…

ii come to you with sad news today. another life has been taken away nd its hard to believe. its like after high school you lose contact with people and when you do talk to those old friends its only thru the wonderful world of myspace nd facebook. but one thing is for sure…you never forget those .real. people that were there. Anthony Benitez was one of them. ii remember the first time we met and ii HATED him lol. he rode up in his nice azz car while we was on the bus stop. picked up Ke nd left the rest of us standing there IN THE RAIN. ii cussed him out something serious that day nd for about two months we couldnt stand each other. then one day he comes up to me nd says “Twin, ima drive you home today… pay back from the last time”… it wasnt raining nd ii damn sure wasnt at the bus stop but ii took his ride nd since that day we were cool peoples. he was the sweetest person ever nd that was the side of him that he tried to hide. but no matter how hard he tried ii think everybody got a glimpse of that pure.ness at some time or another. Benny was nothing short of amazing… nd someone took him from us too soon. ive only seen him a handful of times after ii walked outta dundalks doors for the last time 4 years ago but ii could never forget someone like him. a community .a.family. is yet again scarred by a life stolen… he will surely be missed.

RiP Anthony Benitez. 88-09 not enough yrs on this earth nd in our lives

too good to be true…

ok… im completely wrapped up .in over my head. its crazii. ii dont know what it is about this dude but we just .clicked. and ever since then thats where ii spend all my time. with him or at work. oh… by the way work is going wonderful. ii got put on the awesome shift and we are about to go to a three watch so there will be no long hours every other day. ii can not wait. im still trying to figure out if we are going to be closed on mem day cause ii want to get me some good crabs lol. unfortunately thats the weekend that Mr. Love is doing show but if ii gotta do the weekend thing its not going to be good for anybody cause the traveling sucks on the w.e. ii was actually considering getting a rental car for the w.e but since my liscence expired ii dont think thats going to be possible. besides… me driving 7 hrs to go home will not be good for my sleepy self  lol. just wanted to stop by and let everyone know that everything is going better than planned right now and if all continues to work in my favor ill be receiving some good news in a few weeks but we’ll hold off on that until we have .official. word of whats going to happen. ii dont wanna say things are too good to be true because ii know that it is possible for things to go great but ii also know that when everything in my life something is about to go haywire. so im just enjoying the luxury of life right now nd praying that whenever the next storm comes (cause one always comes) that ill be more than prepared for it. until next time… keep me in your constant prayers nd ill do the same for you. p.s.s my sis is off restriction now so she’s happy again… good to hear her laughing nd enjoying herself once again.

oh… and ii want everyone to know that ii have the BEST mother on this side of the earth nd ii appreciate her tremendously. she is my everything and without her there is no me. she did more than just give birth and take care of me… she was everything that ii ever needed her to be even when ii didnt think ii needed her at all. happy .belated. mothers day to all.

.exhausted.

…thats the only way ii know to describe my life right now. lol… things are well tho. for the most part. no complaints right now…. well a few but ii wont bore you. just keep me in your prayers and ill do the same for all my readers. luvzz nd hugzz

words… limited.

so…im here in nc. its not bad. wont talk about the past day and a half. it was bboorriinngg but ii got a lot of sleep. got my room today…alone. good thing. no car…terrible thing here. spent 40 on a cab so far…never again. food…good. command…cool. tired. no phone charger. know noone here. gotta feel my way around. but room is super nice so im happy. gotta make the best of this barren town.

resurrection sunday

today was a very good day. ii was very skeptical about going to church but it wasnt too bad. GoD confirmed today a lot of things that ii already knew. one thing that ii did come to realize is that some people are exactly who you think them to be. there was one person that im really cool with and ii could tell by they way that they present themselves from time to time that there was something really wrong beneath the surface. well ii saw that today and ii dont like what ii saw at all but ii aint upset about it because ii knew that that person was exactly like that. another thing that ii realized is that ii clearly miss being in worship a lot but ii need a church home.

things are finally starting to come together for me…not that they werent before but im seeing more clearly now. ii got a plan that im trying to follow. going to get my life together and do what ii can to get to the next level. trying to up my ministry even tho its going to be a struggle

well let me go…trying to figure out what im doing tonight. nothing too unholy

back home.

today was my first official day back home. yesterdays travel was completely stressful. our two o clock bus didnt dock til 3 and the traffic was ridic. by the time we got into DC ii was dogg tired but they said we had to transfer to another bus WHICH WAS NOT SUPPOSED TO HAPPEN… so we get off the bus. grab all our luggage and was told to go to gate 9. we go to gate 9 WITH ALL OUR LUGGAGE and then they direct us BACK to the same daggone bus that we just got off of. get to Maryland finally and the bus driver decides he wants to stop in Silver Spring WHICH WAS NOT SUPPOSED TO HAPPEN… we wait there for FOREVER and then head downtown. once we get downtown we finally make it travel plaza. ii was so happy to see my momzz and my homeboy turns around too get our luggage and ITS NOT THERE. ok… wtf?? yes they clearly took our luggage off at downtown. so not only have we been irritated all day but by the time we actually get to where we are going an entire 2 1/2 HOURS LATER we have to wait another hour for them to bring us our luggage. yes ii was truely upset and irritated and tired by the time ii got in the house.

woke up this morning got dressed and went to see my god daughter for a bit. she is getting so big and precious lol. then we went out erdman to get the crazies. me.mo.phil.and.yang went to the marsh for a lil too long. then we dropped yang back at the crib and went to my house. delley came to see me and so did JonesZ…so that was cool. finally got in the house and baking a cake but it feels good to walk these streets again.lol. tomorrow night is my get together so thats my chance to see all the lost ones that ii havent seen in forever. church sunday which ii am so ready for. ii am ready to get to NC even tho ii didnt want to go there at first ii think this is going to be a good thing for me. we shall see.

all ii know is that im going to enjoy my time home…relax and spend time with my fam. getting my priorities together and got my head on straight. see…theres some good in these mean streets lol.

going home…

tomorrow marks the day… ii will be back in Bmore with the peeps. ii cannot wait simply because this place is irritating me. after ii leave home i’ll be in North Carolina… ii didnt want to go there at all but ima make the most of it. def going to school….taking advantage of every benefit they are offering.

Right now im sitting here listening to gospel music. trying to get my mind back to Him… the people here managed to get under my skin in a minor three minutes so ii have get my motivation back up. excited to be going to a place of worship on sunday. one good thing about going to NC is that ii know there are a lot of churches that ii could go to. looking for a new church home so ill be on top of that as soon as ii get to where im going.

in the meantime…im doing pretty good. just trying to get by the best way that ii can. dealing with leaving VA and that means ill be leaving him behind. its harder than ii make it seem. ii just do a really good job hiding my feelings but its a struggle that im going to get through no matter what. ii dont want people like that in my life. yes… ii love him and ii always will and it sucks that we dont even have a friendship between us anymore but thats the way things have to be. ive made a decision and im sticking to it…no matter what. sorry for those that dont like it.

ii get the chance to hang with LeyLey next week which is exciting for me. after everything that has happened between me and her im glad that we are at the place that we are now. she actually just called me…dunno what she wanted. prob complaining about Jess but then again…some things never change lmao. that situation will always be a joke to me.

im also excited because ii get to surprise my cousin Sedi and go to friendship on Sunday. she’ll be super shocked cause she thinks im going to shiloh. actually ii am going to shiloh for the sunrise service (oh boy) and their sunday school program. then its straight to NaNa’ s church and then to the big cuzzo’s house to eat. can not wait. oh…mommy got the back porch done so we gonna throw a grill out there and cook out prob mon or wed…idk yet

ii think thats all ii have for today… oh… ii get to take my god_daughter Destiny out sat and mon which ii am super excited about. she just turned two months and ii havent seen her yet so this will be new. ii dont know how ii havent seen someone that ii spend so much money on… lol… cant wait.

until next time…ttyl. prob wont blog will im at home so just pray that ii dont kill someone while in bmore…you know how they all irritate me no matter how much ii love them to death lol

the count down begins

so…im going to be back in BMore in exactly six days and ii cant wait. ii really really need to be around fam for a minute or two even tho they are going to annoy me as soon as ii get there .lol. the count.down also begins for the time ii will step foot in a church. its been a good minute tho. every one knows by now that easter is my favorite holiday… more of a reason to go to worship service…not the people or the annual antics but .HiM. plan on finding a church home as soon as ii get to where im going cause He knows as well as ii know that me && him could use the time together. Jesus also knows as well that im not in the mood to deal with “church” people who are really not .the church.  any ways… ill stop talking about the church because ii do realize that there are some good people in the church. its just the phony ones that have put a bad taste in my mouth. && they can turn their noses up at me all that they want but ii dont parade around like im the saint of GoD.

ii am highly excited about my .last. weekend here in va. nothing big planned. just going to the normal spot on friday with the class then going on saturday to the movies… fast.&&.furious. comes out and im super excited because the entire original cast is in this one. then after that im going with the gurls to the hotel just to get away from everyone and chill out. spend the day in the hot tub or something… get a few drinks and watch movies all day. nothing like a gurls day.

we got our orders on wednesday and ii refuse to talk about them because there is a very good chance that mine will be changed. once ii figure out for sure where im going ii will def let you all know so that you can be up on it. just know that its either east coast close to family and friends or west coast with my ShinkButt… mommy says GoD is going to send me where He wants so im just waiting to see where He desires me to go.

talk to you all at a later date. kudos.twice.

you cant break me…im back on top

ii tend to forget a lot of times who GoD is and when ii do that things get real rocky for me. its been a while since ii stepped foot in a church but thats only because…ii really didnt feel like going. me && Jesus was on two different pages for some time but then like yesterday ii realized.yet again.that my life dont really work without him. so im running back to him but first ii must share with you all… ii miss this place cause this is what keeps me grounded.

first is…and im thankful that this is over…but one of my homeboys was so close to death that its ridiculous. my husband fisher was jumped a few weeks coming from the club. seems like when people see someone on the come up they try to break him but my boy pulled through. he was in a coma for a few weeks and they even gave him 2 days to live but he is back up and running. yeah…its going to be a while before he comes back to his a game but he got his life and im so happy about that.

a few weeks ago…as you all know. me and troy ended our relationship. it was hard…really hard and no matter how much ii wantede to go back to him something kept pulling me back. now ii know that that was nothing but GoD doing His job. ii found out yesterday that this dummy got into a shitload of trouble that could possibly turn out really bad for him. bottom line is…ii dont wanna be a part of something like that and so im glad that ii seperated myself from him before it became too late. he was on the right track…got his life together and then he went right back to doing the stupid nonsense again. im not usually the one to down people because ii got my past just like everyone else but ii know im not that dumb to be that stupid. ii still do some crazii things but thats something ii would NEVER do no matter what. im focused on something better and this was the confirmation ii needed to know that me and him are too through. its over and it hurts but im ok with the way things turned out. im growing and it feels damn good.

as soon as ii got the bad news from the dummy ii got a vm from mommy saying she needed money to get our back porch done. she told me she needed a lot of money and ii was just a lil stuck because ii wont have it until ii get my taxes back and she kinda needs it now. let me just say for the record that no matter what financial issue that my fam seems to have we always come through some kinda way. ii told her that ii didnt have it and my sis wasnt getting her check for a few more weeks so we were kinda at a stand still. apply for a loan…denied. what are we going to do?? today she tells me that her insurance is paying 1600 and she had her mortgage money just sitting by so she would use that. ii had credit card sitting around that she could use but when ii checked the balance they told me it was only 200 on their. what am ii gonna do what that?? mommy took my card to the atm this morning and behold there is 700 bucks on it. glory!! shay sent home 700 last night and now ii have enough to give my mommy what she needs and pay for a bus ticket home. GoD always comes thru for us. we might be far apart but we got one heart…and thru our love we always make it thru.

ii get my orders tomorrow and ii leave here in exactly one week. ill be home to see my family and friends soon and ii cant wait. ii wish ii could see my shink but she cant make it home this time. ii dont know when ill be able to see her again but all is well. ii am also excited to see my god-daughter and take her to take pictures with the easter bunny. ii cannot wait. she is two months already and ii havent seen her yet.uugghh.

goodnite all… love

my life be like…

ok…ii am officially convinced that ii live a crazii life. ugh…yes so true. in the past two weeks EVERYTHING has been going GREAT which is so not normal for me. we got a whole new chain of command now so im loving the change and being here is a whole lot less stressful. this weekend was super fun which ii was doubting because the senior class graduated last week. but…we managed to make a lil fun of our own before the big blood explosion broke out. ok…by the time 1230 hit ii was way to drunk to really pay attention to the chik who was dancing on some dudes shoulders (literally) perhaps she was a lil more drunk than me but who knows. all ii know is that less than an hour after midnight the whole guru section of the club was being evacuated and there she layed on the floor in a massive amount of blood. me…ii wanted to stay and watch. everyone else…wanted to stay and take pictures. needless to say we headed over to the banquet room and continued on with our night and someone handed me about two more shots of hennesey which ii TURNED DOWN!! yes…ii am responsible sometimes.lol. yesterday was spent chillin all day. ii actually found the outfit for my party and now all ii have to do is get shoes to match which is harder than ii thought because im looking for the PERFECT shoes. uugghh…yes this is going to be a struggle. totally did not go to church this morning because.well.theres no real excuse. i’ve been to two different churches since i’ve been here and ii like one more than the other. its a small church && they remind me more of COGIC but ii love it. with that said…ii have no clue why ii haven’t had the desire to go back. its weird. me && Troy haven’t talked to one another in forever… he decided to ask me a few days ago a bunch of things about my feelings but at the end of the day ii have no answers. ii dont know what happened between us but now its to the point where we cant even stand talking to one another. maybe thats bad…maybe its good. idk. ii think we tried to hard to make something work that was never meant to be but reality is…and maybe ii should feel bad about this… but ii really dont care anymore. not about him or the situation. it is what it is really. ii kinda realized last night that one of my really good friends has been interested in me for some time now. yes…thats kinda weird to me because :yang::yang: decided to reveal all his feelings for me last week. why is this a problem?? because now ii have friends who want to be more than friends and that is why things ended with all my relationships. then it makes me question…is it really not possible to be JUST friends with guys without catching feelings or wanting something extra?? idk…im not going down that road again because it all ends in heartbreak but im curious to know why EVERYONE knew that he had feelings except for me. very well…me and him are just friends and ii wouldnt dare cross that line because of some things that have happened in the past. but we all know that at the end of the day thats my mans and we gonna be friends no matter where im going. uummm…. ii think thats all. oh…ii get my orders next week so ii find out where im going after this. YaY me!! lmao. going home in two weeks and ii cant wait. for some reason im not too worried about seeing everyone and fitting everyone into my schedule. the most social thing that im doing is having my party. after that its going to be straight chill mode. hanging with my nephew…taking my god-daughter out for a day…and going to an O’s game with Jess and Delley. other than that…im chillin and figuring out how to get ALL OF MY BELONGINGS to my next duty station. this is going to be a challenge. well…until next time. stay up…be blessed. Tae’